Uwe Boll must never have received word that I am his biggest fan, as I conversely never received the raving email sent from cinema’s ousted tyrant to various sources around the web.  1UP received the manifesto, however, and they’ve done us all the favor of publishing much of the boxer’s insight into the industry aptly titled “The Film market — or THERE IS NO MONEY IN MOVIES.”  Oh, yes, Boll is going there and judging from the “essay’s” inconsistent capitalization kicking off in the title and never stopping, I’d say he started the evening early.

I’ll leave the full repost at 1UP, but of course I’ve got to cherry pick a few favorites.  First up, with all the numbers that Boll bandies about in his rant, I am flabbergasted that the one computer game he hasn’t adapted is Math Blaster.  I don’t know where he got his numbers, so I’ll just assume he knows what he is talking about.  I cannot imagine a reason not to.

Second, Boll poetically questions, “Why not Pirates putting for 10 years in jail?” This may be the crown jewel of the piece.  Not because it offers any particular illumination as to THERE IS NO MONEY IN MOVIES, but because I imagine that Uwe Boll is genuinely wondering why not put pirates in jail for 10 years.  He phrases it so coyly, as if testing the waters on a first date to see what we’d let him get away with.

Third, the money shot quote that solves all of Hollywood’s problems:

Last week one of my most anticipated horror properties, the wonderful HACK/SLASH, finally got a writer, albeit an unproven. Sam Rami and Rob Tapert pulled a Dimension Extreme/After Dark Films and created release arm Ghost House Underground. FRIDAY THE 13TH cast some machete fodder. Oh, and, PROM NIGHT made over $9 million dollars on its opening day. That sound you hear? Blood boiling in the collective vein of horror fans everywhere.

And deserving a mention all its own on the front page. Uwe Boll has another video up (!!!!!), this time signing off with the pleasantry,

“If you write me, don’t write me with some, like, bullshit nicknames out of the internet. Write me with your name and address so I can track you down and rip you apart. Thank you.”

Be still my quivering heart. Be still!