Tales From the Elliptical: Bob Gale Makes Wil Wheaton Eat Poop, Martin Sheen vs. Billy Zane, and More


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It takes me just shy of 30 minutes to run 3 miles. It takes just shy of 30 minutes to watch an episode ofTales From The Crypt. Combine the two and you have Tales From the Elliptical, a recurring column at HND where I supplement my love for anthology horror television with my love of not dying of a heart attack.

 

Tales From the Elliptical: Ed Begley Jr. Screws Tim Curry, Ernie Hudson Gets Telepathic Head


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It takes me just shy of 30 minutes to run 3 miles. It takes just shy of 30 minutes to watch an episode of Tales From The Crypt. Combine the two and you have Tales From the Elliptical, a recurring column at HND where I supplement my love for anthology horror television with my love of not dying of a heart attack.

“Death of Some Salesmen”
Season 5, Episode 1 (Oct 2, 1993)
Directed by:  Gilbert Adler
Written by: Gilbert AdlerA L Katz
Starring: Ed Begley Jr.Tim Curry

If you need a one-two combo reminder of how singular of a series Tales From the Crypt is for both its content and the time period in which it was created, just watch the opening scene of the fifth season premiere. It opens with Ed Begley Jr. going down on a woman in a motel, then leaving her the next morning after blatantly telling her he lied when he said he loved her and she only bought it because he’s such a damned good salesmen. He then leaves town to go sell recently widowed old ladies funeral plots their husband’s supposedly put a partial down payment on. His grift works surprisingly well until he shows up at a particularly backwoods abode and runs afoul of a mother and father whose distrust of salesmen results in them kidnapping Begley Jr. out of the hope that maybe he’ll be a better suitor for their disgusting, attic-hidden daughter than the last couple traveling salesmen they murdered with their own warez (a vacuum salesmen with a vacuum tube shoved through his mouth, etc).

Did I mention that the backwoods mother, father and daughter are all played by Tim Curry? So that means not only do we see a nude Ed Begley Jr. go down on a chic in the opening scene, but we also get to see him try to pop a boner to have sex with Tim Curry wearing Nothing But Trouble levels of revolting, mongoloid make-up. It may be one of the weirdest episodes of the series, casting-wise. The ending hits as kind of a surprise, but it’s hard to be shocked one way or the other after you’ve watched Ed Begley Jr. compliment Tim Curry’s kegel skills.

Tales From the Elliptical: Running Through the First Four Seasons of ‘Tales From the Crypt’


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I am by no stretch a health nut. I drink way too much and eat too many things that once had faces for that to be the case. I have, however, spent the last few weeks running 3 miles every day on an elliptical. I’m no speed freak, so it takes me about 30 minutes to hit that mark. You know what else takes about 30 minutes? An episode of Tales From the Crypt. Guess what series I own every season of but haven’t actually watched every episode of? I think you see where I’m going with this. So welcome to Tales From the Elliptical, a new recurring column at HND where I supplement my love for anthology horror television with my love of not dying of a heart attack.

This column is in a bit of an odd predicament, though. I actually started this episode-per-run project months ago, but back then I was lazy and not running every day (or, after a while, every week). I’ve been doing it daily for close to a month now, though, and I’ve reached the point where I actually enjoy exercising, so I’m finally committed to starting this column. The rub is between last year’s half-hearted attempt and the past few weeks’ earnest attempt, I’m now up to Season 5 of the series. So, this first entry is going to be a general overview/highlights of the prior seasons. Then, starting next week, we’ll be able to focus more on individual episodes (probably one post per disc, which is usually 6 episodes).

And yes, I realize I’ll be running out of Tales From the Crypt episodes before too long. But hey, I haven’t seen any of Tales From the Darkside, so that’ll be next.

 




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