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Directed by Fred Olen Ray, 2009
Written by Mark Sanderson

I am a man of refined tastes possessing a palette more exacting than a green lazer straight from Laser Cove, but, alas, I am still just a man.  Soft bits wrapped around hard bits with chemistry connecting it all.  Who am I to resist a pitch as decadently basic cable as this:

Luke Perry fights giant mutant serpents as they take over his submarine in SILENT VENOM, a new action thriller coming to DVD on June 2nd (also stars Tom Berenger and Krista Allen).

Let’s dissect that marketing for a second.  Right out of the gate it has the wower that is Luke Perry fighting not just snakes, but giant mutant serpents.  Sell over!  But the pitch doesn’t end there, oh no.  20th Century Fox Home Video then slips us the shocker, this Perry v Reptilia cage match is confined to the steel tube of a, most assuredly nuclear, submarine.  Then BAM! “Also stars Tom Berenger and Krista Allen”, a closer so blatant in its call and yet so subtle in its cull as to be delivered within nonchalant parenthesis, as if Tom “Eat shit, DANGEROUS MINDS” Berenger and Krista “I ruled Peter’s adolescent late night cable world” Allen also fighting giant mutant serpents on a deep sea vessel of sheer terror are not a bigger deal than novelty Luke Perry.

This is plastic surgery and plastic snakes by the gallon, people.  You know the score, I know the score:

Complete crap.

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