PIRANHA 3D Review [I’m in Love.]


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Piranha 3D is a horror movie bar mitzvah. It turns boys into men, cleaving their lives into two distinct periods: Before Piranha 3D, a time we shall refer to as The Darkness, and after Piranha 3D, also known as The Awakening. Now that I have thankfully awoken in its glorious elysian fields of excessive gore and outrageous nudity, I never want to return to horror films that require fewer than 800,000 gallons of fake blood spilling forth from 500 bikini-clad extras. Anything less is an insult and, frankly, a malicious waste of my time.

Read my full review over at Cinematical.

Last Week in Horror News: June 7th to the 14th


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Look, over there!  It’s a Weinberg!  It’s a blog!  It’s HorrorSquad.com, a new blog managed by HND friendo and general genre wunderkind Scott Weinberg!  Enjoy.


Theatrical Trailers and Clips

Studio News and Attachments

  • TRICK ‘R TREAT – Michael Dougherty tells Fango that the forthcoming DVD will be rather bare but the Blu is packed with features and as yet recorded commentaries.
  • THE HUNGER – Tony Scott mentions scripting progress for a sequel to his ’83 vampire flick THE HUNGER.
  • Eli Roth’s Arcade – Roth’s new production house is producting 1) COTTON, a faux documentary about a shame exorcist who comes across a real possession, 2) PSYCHO KILLER, a slasher ‘from the killer’s perspective’ written by Andrew Kevin Walker, 3) a remake of Tobe Hooper’s FUNHOUSE.
  • RED STATE – The Weinsteins, no doubt in an attempt to try to actually make money for once, have passed on Kevin Smith’s horror film.

Remakes

  • HELLRAISER – MARTYRS director Pascal Laugier has removed himself from the troubled Barker remake.
  • PIRANHA 3D – Carnage and mayhem and apparently Wild, Wild, Wild Girls in these set pics from Aja’s remake look red water fantastic.
  • FRANKENSTEIN – Guillermo del Toro is, naturally, casting Doug Jones as the lead in his mad science remake.  No details on whether the lead is alive or undead.
  • PREDATORS – Neil Marshall is the first public name of seven to be in line for helming duties on the Rodriguez produced franchise reboot.
  • BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER – Joss Whedon was offered the gig to bring (a new) the chosen one to the big screen, but he wisely turned it down, wishing them luck in the process.
  • CONAN – Marcus Nispel steps into the fantasy realm to direct the now Ratner-less reboot.  Assume this means that Sean Hood’s SUBTERRANEAN and THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER are shelved for now.
  • NOES – Wes Craven tells IGN about the sting of Platinum Dunes never getting in touch with him about their remake of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
  • UNSEEN – Sony Screen Gems is once again giving money to PROM NIGHT ’08’s principal creative forces to remake another piece from the past, this time opting for 1971’s BLIND TERROR starring Mia Farrow.

Indie, Foreign and Random News

  • NIGHTBREED Lost Footage – Clive Barker spilled that 40+ minutes of unseen NIGHTBREED has been dusted off, though no official commitment to implement it yet exists.
  • Michael Cunningham – The novelist/screenwriter behind dramas like THE HOURS mentions a pseduo-slasher and monster movie in his pipeline, the former of which has the super original plot of an ugly duckling femme who exacts revenge on all those pesky students who teased her.
  • DEADWORLD – David Hayter helping produce a film franchise based on the comic series about zombies with feelings who ride motorcycles…

Non-Theatrical Trailers and Clips

  • [REC]2 – Teaser.
  • DOGHOUSE – New trailer from EVIL ALIENS writer/director Jake West.
  • THE BOOK OF ZOMBIE – Trailer: “A small, sleepy Utah town gets an undead wake-up call when all of the townspeople of Mormon faith suddenly transform into flesh-eating ghouls!”
  • SALVAGE – Trailer for this Brit flick about the mysterious contents of a container that washes ashore
  • THE CANYON – I always love me a folk stuck in the wild flick and this may just be the first one set in the Grand Canyon?
  • MOTHGIRL – Teaser

Last Week in Horror News: April 5th to April 12th


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Theatrical Trailers and Clips

  • MOON – Trailer.  Love me some Science Fiction.
  • THE COUNTESS – Considering Lady Bathory inspired countless threads and scenes in horror films, it is only fair to link up the trailer to a period piece about her.  That and it is the directorial debut of Julie Delpy.

Studio News and Attachments

  • THE ORPHAN – For what looked like a creepy-kid-plays-to-teens film, I’m surprised to learn THE ORPHAN earned an R rating.
  • H2 – First Laurie looks like a junkie and now Michael Myers is without the mask for “a great portion” of HALLOWEEN 2?

Remakes

  • TERROR TRAIN – Turns out a TERROR TRAIN remake has a house, but that’s it.  No script, no director.  Insert pun about missing their stop here.
  • PIRANHA 3D – Normally I don’t care about casting rumors, but I dig Elisabeth Shue so I’d love to see her in Aja’s dimension busting remake.

Indie, Foreign and Random News

  • FEARnet – The campaign to bring FEARnet back to Time Warner Cable now has an outlet on Facebook.
  • TRICK ‘R TREAT – A WB Press Release detailing plans for a Buy 5 Get 1 Free Blu-ray promotion lists TRICK ‘R TREAT as an eligible title.  Of course no date is set and the promotion runs until 2010, so who the hell knows when it will come out, but this is at least confirmation that the long awaited film will eventually find its way into our hands.
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER – Seth Grahame-Smith, the guy who wrote PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES just signed a two book deal with his publisher, the first of which will be retelling the life of Lincoln with the caveat that he was a vampire hunter.
  • ALTITUDE – Marketing to HND 101: Plane in flight + tentacles in sky = sold!
  • DARK HOLLOW – Brian Keene’s novel is hitting the screen under the helm of director Paul Campion.
  • Wii Horror FEEL – Takahashi Shimizu will be the horror consultant for a Wii exclusive adaptation of Shimizu’s never-ending hit JU-ON, retitlted FEEL.  Could be an interesting experience, actually, as it seems one or two players explore the world of THE GRUDGE with the Wiimote functioning as a flashlight.  If done right, creepiness will definitely abound.

Non-Theatrical Trailers and Clips

  • THIRST – Second trailer for Park Chan-Wook’s return to darker territory looks fantastic.
  • SMASH CUT – Starring David Hess and a porn gal.

Last Week in Horror, September 7th to the 14th.


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Last Week in Horror was predisposed to minor updates of news already established.  Survival horror game CLOCK TOWER is still looking to roll, this time with a PROM NIGHTer climbing the stairs.  Danny Boyle mentions a 28 X LATER again.  Minds behind the remake of MY BLOODY VALENTINE have already begun the mulling of a sequel.  Give them some credit, normally in these situations the party line is a transparent, “No, of course we haven’t given any thought to a sequel, let’s see how the first one does.” At least they’re being honest.

I hadn’t heard of THE INTERVENTION, but its sharp looking poster led me through a few links, now logging the demonic possession story high on my list of films to pay attention to.

Oh, and in case you missed it, Ooohveh Bowl is still crazy.

Last Week in Horror, July 27th to August 3rd


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Last Week in Horror was some kind of post-ComicCon orgy of news.  Either this was all left over from the con and took a week to rise to the top or PR folk knew their news wasn’t big enough to rock a convention and thus waited a week.  Whatever the case, I feel like this post took longer to gather than most.

Xingu Films announced AMERICAN REAPER, which is a sci-fi film whose concept I love.  John Carpenter got a non-horror directing gig, which is the best thing for him these days, if you ask me.  Which you did.  Some GHOSTBUSTERS rumors.  Two people who yet to impress me may muck up my beloved Alexandre Aja remake of PIRANHA.  Lionsgate is fielding all kinds of heat in the fallout of their guided MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN release debacle.

But most importantly.  THE THING!  Remade!  As a music video!




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