PIRANHA 3D Review [I’m in Love.]

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Piranha 3D is a horror movie bar mitzvah. It turns boys into men, cleaving their lives into two distinct periods: Before Piranha 3D, a time we shall refer to as The Darkness, and after Piranha 3D, also known as The Awakening. Now that I have thankfully awoken in its glorious elysian fields of excessive gore and outrageous nudity, I never want to return to horror films that require fewer than 800,000 gallons of fake blood spilling forth from 500 bikini-clad extras. Anything less is an insult and, frankly, a malicious waste of my time.

Read my full review over at Cinematical.

Last Week in Horror News: June 7th to the 14th

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Look, over there!  It’s a Weinberg!  It’s a blog!  It’s HorrorSquad.com, a new blog managed by HND friendo and general genre wunderkind Scott Weinberg!  Enjoy.

Theatrical Trailers and Clips

Studio News and Attachments

  • TRICK ‘R TREAT – Michael Dougherty tells Fango that the forthcoming DVD will be rather bare but the Blu is packed with features and as yet recorded commentaries.
  • THE HUNGER – Tony Scott mentions scripting progress for a sequel to his ’83 vampire flick THE HUNGER.
  • Eli Roth’s Arcade – Roth’s new production house is producting 1) COTTON, a faux documentary about a shame exorcist who comes across a real possession, 2) PSYCHO KILLER, a slasher ‘from the killer’s perspective’ written by Andrew Kevin Walker, 3) a remake of Tobe Hooper’s FUNHOUSE.
  • RED STATE – The Weinsteins, no doubt in an attempt to try to actually make money for once, have passed on Kevin Smith’s horror film.


  • HELLRAISER – MARTYRS director Pascal Laugier has removed himself from the troubled Barker remake.
  • PIRANHA 3D – Carnage and mayhem and apparently Wild, Wild, Wild Girls in these set pics from Aja’s remake look red water fantastic.
  • FRANKENSTEIN – Guillermo del Toro is, naturally, casting Doug Jones as the lead in his mad science remake.  No details on whether the lead is alive or undead.
  • PREDATORS – Neil Marshall is the first public name of seven to be in line for helming duties on the Rodriguez produced franchise reboot.
  • BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER – Joss Whedon was offered the gig to bring (a new) the chosen one to the big screen, but he wisely turned it down, wishing them luck in the process.
  • CONAN – Marcus Nispel steps into the fantasy realm to direct the now Ratner-less reboot.  Assume this means that Sean Hood’s SUBTERRANEAN and THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER are shelved for now.
  • NOES – Wes Craven tells IGN about the sting of Platinum Dunes never getting in touch with him about their remake of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
  • UNSEEN – Sony Screen Gems is once again giving money to PROM NIGHT ’08’s principal creative forces to remake another piece from the past, this time opting for 1971’s BLIND TERROR starring Mia Farrow.

Indie, Foreign and Random News

  • NIGHTBREED Lost Footage – Clive Barker spilled that 40+ minutes of unseen NIGHTBREED has been dusted off, though no official commitment to implement it yet exists.
  • Michael Cunningham – The novelist/screenwriter behind dramas like THE HOURS mentions a pseduo-slasher and monster movie in his pipeline, the former of which has the super original plot of an ugly duckling femme who exacts revenge on all those pesky students who teased her.
  • DEADWORLD – David Hayter helping produce a film franchise based on the comic series about zombies with feelings who ride motorcycles…

Non-Theatrical Trailers and Clips

  • [REC]2 – Teaser.
  • DOGHOUSE – New trailer from EVIL ALIENS writer/director Jake West.
  • THE BOOK OF ZOMBIE – Trailer: “A small, sleepy Utah town gets an undead wake-up call when all of the townspeople of Mormon faith suddenly transform into flesh-eating ghouls!”
  • SALVAGE – Trailer for this Brit flick about the mysterious contents of a container that washes ashore
  • THE CANYON – I always love me a folk stuck in the wild flick and this may just be the first one set in the Grand Canyon?
  • MOTHGIRL – Teaser


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Directed by Alexandre Aja, 2008
Written by Alexandre Aja & Grégory Levasseur, based on INTO THE MIRROR

Looking into mirrors we tend to only see our flaws reflected back.  Not me of course.  I am a fucking Adonis, but I understand the effect self inspection has on normal people.  How appropriate, then, that when we all look into MIRRORS we see nothing but flaws.  Except this time they aren’t (y)our flaws, they’re Alexandre Aja’s.  And I must confess, it is quite annoying to do nothing but stare at other people’s flaws for near two hours.  At least the audience can walk outside and go jogging or drop and do a few push ups.  No director’s cut is going to salvage this junior slump.

Which is a shame.  Not just because I once called Aja the future of horror (yeah, yeah, we all say silly stuff when we’re young) and I need an out to cover that mistake.  Despite all its misgivings, an easy 25+ minutes of bloated length, stale performances, despite all that, there are times one must remind themselves they are watching a movie about mirrors that kill people.  I have a ton of suggestions for how such a premise could be improved, however, I posit this: Was anyone ever going to take a movie about killer mirrors seriously?

Even with any hypothetical improvements a goofy ass premise remains.  It doesn’t help that Keifer Sutherland plays the lead with same frenetic fervor as his intrinsically tied USA saving, terrorist decimating alter personality.  Hard enough as it is to take a movie about homicidal two dimensional planar objects earnestly.  MIRRORS is done no favors by Jack Bauer running around with a gun screaming punchlines along the vein of, “Don’t look at the water!  Water can form a reflective surface just like a mirror and that’s how they get you!”

Last Week in Horror: June 29th to July 6th

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Last Week in Horror, The items of most interest to me belong to genre brother Sci-Fi.  Alex Proyas’ latest film, KNOWING, finally got a trailer, albeit a derivative, uninvolved one.  But I love DARK CITY so much, even Nicholas Cage’s forehead couldn’t keep me away.  Same goes for Keanu Reeves’, well, entire self in THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL remake.

Also, I was sent a press release regarding a contest for Electronic Arts’ forthcoming survival horror game DEAD SPACE.  Normally I’d not pass along such a thing, but DEAD SPACE happens to be a title I’ve been anticipating.  Not to mention the 100 film prize pack at the end of the rainbow is a bounty worth coveting.

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