PSA: 3-D at Home, it Does not Work, Shelve Your Hopes.

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As I write this my retina still shake and resist me, my rods and cones curled fetal from trauma.

I lasted roughly thirty minutes with the MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D Blu-ray.  I say lasted in an attempt to invoke the act of endurance required by said experience.  MBV3D was unarguably my most anticipated retail title of 2009 thus far.  I’ve been awaiting this disc with the same level of want as that of RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, which is to say with the same level of want as no one else on Earth.  I loved the film in theaters, surmising my enjoyment in the following review excerpt:

We all know what to expect and it sure as shit isn’t a layered labyrinth of deep characters coming face to face with their mortality and unimportance in a withering small town based an antiquated economy.  The only layers one should expect from MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D are of the geometric plane variety, the only labyrinth that of the mine shaft, and characters only deep enough to have a pick axe go in one side of their body and out the other.  Anything else is dressing as far as I’m concerned.

However, I knew not  what to expect from watching Patrick Lussier’s film in a home theater setting.  This ambiguity is what made MBV3D on Blu such a must-see, most-do on my list.  Like with RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL’S ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ gimmick, I wanted to see how well it had all been executed.

I’m a bit of a home theater enthusiast, which is to say I don’t fuck around when it comes to setting up my system.  Put it this way; moving the decimal places and carrying the 1 in my head, if I had saved all the money I put into our home theater I could have put an additional 15% down on the cost of the house in which it will soon sit.  This is ludicrous, I know, but I find justification in every person who comes over and says, “Man, this is better than going to the theater!”

Except when MBV3D is in the player.  The 3-D in-theater was great, the 3-D at home is of the dreadful red-blue variety.  I understand  this is the cheapest thing they could do, but it is intolerable to look at.  The picture loses all fidelity, smearing it in oppressive hues that one must make a concerted effort to look at.  Sure the third dimension is there and the perception of that works, but the method of delivering that gimmick is shit.  Watching MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D on Blu-ray is akin to trying to watch a movie after staring into the sun before getting donkey punched with an ugly green paint can.

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