All posts in the 'F' category


The Devil Inside Review

The Devil Inside, directed by Stay Alive‘s William Brent Bell, is the story of a young woman whose mother was committed to an asylum after she murdered three people during an exorcism; her own exorcism. The young daughter is now traveling to a hospital in Rome, where her mother was transferred, to examine the validity […]

HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 Review – An Unrelenting, Ugly Waste of Time.

Written and directed by Tom Six, 2011 When watching David Fincher’s SEVEN for the first time, did you see the fat man lying dead in a bowl of soup and think to yourself, “Screw the guy with the interesting motive that killed him, I want to see a movie about that worthless, walking tub of […]

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: UNRATED Review [Fantastic Fest 2010]

Directed by Steven R. Monroe, 2010 Written by Stuart Morse Steven R. Monroe’s remake of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE is one of the most pathetic films I have ever seen.  I am aware that is going to sound like exaggeration or a kind of knee-jerk reaction; I assure you it is neither.  It’s a […]

WALLED IN Review [Netflix Watch Instantly]

Directed by Gilles Paquet-Brenner, 2009 Written by Rodolphe Tissot, Olivier Volpi, Sylvain White, Gilles Paquet-Brenner When I’m feeling lazy, I like hang out on the couch, drink beer, and watch movies. At those times I have no desire to do anything to advance the quality of my life in any way, and my creative juices […]

THE HUNT Review. [Netflix Watch Instantly]

Directed by Fritz Kiersch, 2006 Written by Fritz Kiersch, Danny Martin Please bear with me, for this review is not like the others. Regardless, it is important for you to continue to reading, because in addition to pointing you in the direction of surprisingly good Instant Watch flicks, it is also my responsibility to sound […]

DEADBOX Review. [Paintball Horror in One Long Take?]

Directed by Robert Archer Lynn, 2007 Written by David Alford, Robert Archer Lynn To say that Peter and I have differing tastes in film is to say that Norman Rockwell painted slightly differently from Salvador Dali.  But since moving to Austin I have become fascinated with movie geek idiosyncrasies and relish the opportunity to explore […]

THE CHAOS EXPERIMENT, Review: Join me in the Hate.

Directed by Philippe Martinez, 2009 Written by Robert Malkani There are bad movies.  There are stupid movies.  There are shitty movies.  There are awful movies.  And there is Philippe Martinez’s THE CHAOS EXPERIMENT, which is an awful shitty, awful stupid, awful bad movie.  And I’d say that’s an awful shame because it has Eric Roberts, […]

Review: SHARK IN VENICE

Directed by Danny Lerner, 2008 Written by Les Weldon I cannot review SHARK IN VENICE so much as I can form sentences under a headline that categorizes said words as a review.  Danny Lerner’s 84 minutes of strung together visuals do not qualify as a film.  To be fair, I have no clue what they […]

Review: UNEARTHED

Written and Directed by Matthew Leutwyler, 2007 There is nothing worse than a creature feature unfit to even be considered a Sci-Fi channel original film.  Or so I thought right up to 93 minutes ago, when I elected to watch UNEARTHED on FearNET HD On-Demand.  Turns out the pain from said creature feature stings all […]

Review: THE GIRLS REBEL FORCE OF COMPETITIVE SWIMMERS

Directed by Kôji Kawano, 2007 Written by Satoshi Ôwada Do not be deceived by the title of the year: THE GIRLS REBEL FORCE OF COMPETITIVE SWIMMERS.  Do not be deceived by a cover featuring swimsuit clad girls holding baseball bats and chainsaws.  Do not be deceived when I say that GIRLS REBEL FORCE features a […]

Review: “FEAR ITSELF” – IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Directed by John Landis, 2008 Written by Victor Salva Is it fair to say that John Landis has fallen from grace?  Judging from his episode of “FEAR ITSELF”, yes.  Yes. Far, far from grace.  Eons from grace.  Fallen through time, through space, to some twilit zone where Landis is a sleep walking, brain dead, unoriginal, […]

Review: THE HAPPENING

Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, 2008 Last week’s Science Friday on NPR featured an interview with M. Night regarding THE HAPPENING. It wasn’t a bad interview and Shyamalan was his usual enthusiastic self, that is until host Ira Flatow asked Shyamalan if he, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘liked the ending of his movie’. […]

Review: Prom Night

Directed by Nelson McCormick, 2008 Written by J.S. Cardone Normally if I’m going to oblige my ‘review all theatrical releases’ rule for something I care nothing about, I’ll go early Saturday morning in order to reward the film as little of my dollar as possible. This time, however, Christine, my fiance, knew from my ranting […]

Review: Ghost Voyage

Directed by James Oxford, 2008Written by (IMDB doesn’t even know) I would like to pretend that I Tivo’ed this past Saturday’s Sci-Fi channel premiere film, Ghost Voyage, as a lark. Please, grant me that fantasy. Ignore the reality. Ignore that we watched this as it aired, which is to say we watched the death of […]

Review: Ice Spiders

Directed by Tibor Takács, 2007Written by Eric Miller Remember Patrick Muldoon, the douchebaggy pilot who tried to break up the star crossed love of Casper Van Dien and Denise Richards in Starship Troopers?  Ever wondered what he was up to these days?  Ice Spiders.  Yes, Ice Spiders.  Ice Fucking Spiders is what he is up […]

Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Written and Directed by George Barry, 1977 On his new CD Werewolves and Lollipops Patton Oswalt confesses the pain Death Bed: The Bed That Eats causes him.  Not pain from watching it, but from knowing it exists.  Knowing someone not only finished a script about a bed that eats people, but that other people thought […]

Review: Lake Placid 2

Directed by David Flores, 2007Written by Todd Hurvitz, Howie Miller I am not going to bother wasting my time writing a formal review of Lake Placid 2.  I am simply going to transcribe the first 2 minutes of the script, anything else you need to know can be extrapolated from this inspired exchange: "Man, this […]

Review: See No Evil

Directed by Gregory Dark, 2006Written by Dan Madigan I like to think I have a knack for exaggeration.  And yet, no matter how hard I strain my brain, I cannot summon any hyperbole to properly relate just how bad WWE Films’ See No Evil is.  Every time I rest my fingers on the home keys, […]

Review: Rest Stop

Directed by John Shiban, 2006 Straight-to-DVD films are an anomaly.  I can’t think of any other arena of filmmaking that so often inspires something along the line of, "I’ve seen a lot of bad movies lately, but X is the worst I’ve seen in quite some time". I’ve seen a lot of bad movies recently, […]

Review: Voodoo Moon

Directed by Kevin VanHook, 2005 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."- Some guy named Jesus It’s called the ethic of reciprocity.  If someone was nice enough to send me something, should I return the favor and kindly write a good review?  What if the movie wasn’t any good?  What if […]

Review: The Plague

Directed by Hal Masonberg, 2006 First out of the gate from the newly launched, Clive Barker founded Midnight Picture Show production house is the The Plague, staring James Van Der Beek (hint).  And if this is what passes Midnight Picture Show’s quality control, then they need to close up shop right now. Every child on […]

Review: Stay Alive

Directed by William Brent Bell, 2006 Considering this site has gained an audience outside of my immediate circle of friends, my relationship with Stay Alive probably needs to be re-explained in order to fully understand the inferno of rage.  Over two plus years ago I decided to make a horror movie.  A horror movie about […]

Review: Hollow Man 2

Directed by Claudio Fäh, 2006 I like the first Hollow Man.  You can stop trusting anything I say about movies from this point on and I would understand, but I’m a sucker for Verhoeven and his silly, but poker faced, blockbusters that don’t bust the block. So what can you expect from Hollow Man 2, […]

Review: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Directed by Alexander Witt, 2004 I didn’t want to watch Resident Evil: Apocalypse.  I really didn’t.  But I needed something to review, was too lazy to get out of my bed, and it was the only ‘horror’ movie on HBO On-Demand.  So the remote won and my soul lost. Resident Evil: Apocalypse is one of […]

Review: 2001 Maniacs

Directed by Tim Sullivan, 2005 A vapid, moronic attempt at a horror film if there ever was one. 2001 Maniacs is everything I hate about horror these days. I’ve heard good things about the original Two Thousand Maniacs!, but this remake is just trash. Horny frat boys and sluty sorority girls fill out the principle […]

Review: Satan’s Little Helper

Directed by Jeff Lieberman, 2004 Bad. Bad. Bad. The only reason I had even a barely passing interest in this movie was because I thought it was about something it wasn’t. I thought it was about a kid who, when trick or treating by himself, befriends a guy in a Satan costume with whom he […]

Review: The Gingerdead Man

Directed by Charles Band, 2005 Just look at that cover! How could anyone possibly resist such a siren’s seductive call? That cover means business. The Gingerdead Man doesn’t ask to be watched, it sticks a knife to your throat and demands that you watch it. When I first saw the full-page ad in Fangoria a […]

Review: Dead Meat

Directed by Conor McMahon, 2004 There is a limit to how much handheld, homebrew horror I can take. I didn’t think I could quantify that limit, but after enduring this trash I can firmly tell you that even 30 minutes pushes it. Because the opening shot is of a man being attacked and eaten by […]

Review: Hostel

Directed by Eli Roth, 2006 Because this site was originally bought with the intention of turning it into an Eli Roth shrine, I think it is only fitting that the first review on it be for Hostel. Ever since the theatrical run of Cabin Fever I have relentlessly praised Roth and once he started making […]


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