Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, 2008
Last week’s Science Friday on NPR featured an interview with M. Night regarding THE HAPPENING. It wasn’t a bad interview and Shyamalan was his usual enthusiastic self, that is until host Ira Flatow asked Shyamalan if he, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘liked the ending of his movie’. […]

Directed by Nelson McCormick, 2008
Written by J.S. Cardone
Normally if I’m going to oblige my ‘review all theatrical releases’ rule for something I care nothing about, I’ll go early Saturday morning in order to reward the film as little of my dollar as possible. This time, however, Christine, my fiance, knew from my ranting and […]

Directed by James Oxford, 2008Written by (IMDB doesn’t even know)

I would like to pretend that I Tivo’ed this past Saturday’s Sci-Fi channel premiere film, Ghost Voyage, as a lark. Please, grant me that fantasy. Ignore the reality. Ignore that we watched this as it aired, which is to say we watched […]

Directed by Tibor Takács, 2007Written by Eric Miller

Remember Patrick Muldoon, the douchebaggy pilot who tried to break up the star crossed love of Casper Van Dien and Denise Richards in Starship Troopers?  Ever wondered what he was up to these days?  Ice Spiders.  Yes, Ice Spiders.  Ice Fucking Spiders is what he is up to.
I […]

Written and Directed by George Barry, 1977

On his new CD Werewolves and Lollipops Patton Oswalt confesses the pain Death Bed: The Bed That Eats causes him.  Not pain from watching it, but from knowing it exists.  Knowing someone not only finished a script about a bed that eats people, but that other people thought it […]

Directed by David Flores, 2007Written by Todd Hurvitz, Howie Miller

I am not going to bother wasting my time writing a formal review of Lake Placid 2.  I am simply going to transcribe the first 2 minutes of the script, anything else you need to know can be extrapolated from this inspired exchange:
"Man, this lake is […]

Directed by Gregory Dark, 2006Written by Dan Madigan

I like to think I have a knack for exaggeration.  And yet, no matter how hard I strain my brain, I cannot summon any hyperbole to properly relate just how bad WWE Films’ See No Evil is.  Every time I rest my fingers on the home keys, they […]

Directed by John Shiban, 2006

Straight-to-DVD films are an anomaly.  I can’t think of any other arena of filmmaking that so often inspires something along the line of, "I’ve seen a lot of bad movies lately, but X is the worst I’ve seen in quite some time".
I’ve seen a lot of bad movies recently, but Rest […]

Directed by Kevin VanHook, 2005

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."- Some guy named Jesus
It’s called the ethic of reciprocity.  If someone was nice enough to send me something, should I return the favor and kindly write a good review?  What if the movie wasn’t any good?  What if it was […]

Directed by Hal Masonberg, 2006

First out of the gate from the newly launched, Clive Barker founded Midnight Picture Show production house is the The Plague, staring James Van Der Beek (hint).  And if this is what passes Midnight Picture Show’s quality control, then they need to close up shop right now.
Every child on earth below […]

Directed by William Brent Bell, 2006

Considering this site has gained an audience outside of my immediate circle of friends, my relationship with Stay Alive probably needs to be re-explained in order to fully understand the inferno of rage. 
Over two plus years ago I decided to make a horror movie.  A horror movie about genuine […]

Directed by Claudio Fäh, 2006

I like the first Hollow Man.  You can stop trusting anything I say about movies from this point on and I would understand, but I’m a sucker for Verhoeven and his silly, but poker faced, blockbusters that don’t bust the block.
So what can you expect from Hollow Man 2, the straight-to-video […]

Directed by Alexander Witt, 2004

I didn’t want to watch Resident Evil: Apocalypse.  I really didn’t.  But I needed something to review, was too lazy to get out of my bed, and it was the only ‘horror’ movie on HBO On-Demand.  So the remote won and my soul lost.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse is one of the stupidest […]

Directed by Tim Sullivan, 2005

A vapid, moronic attempt at a horror film if there ever was one. 2001 Maniacs is everything I hate about horror these days. I’ve heard good things about the original Two Thousand Maniacs!, but this remake is just trash.
Horny frat boys and sluty sorority girls fill out the principle […]

Directed by Jeff Lieberman, 2004

Bad. Bad. Bad.
The only reason I had even a barely passing interest in this movie was because I thought it was about something it wasn’t. I thought it was about a kid who, when trick or treating by himself, befriends a guy in a Satan costume with whom […]

Directed by Charles Band, 2005

Just look at that cover! How could anyone possibly resist such a siren’s seductive call? That cover means business. The Gingerdead Man doesn’t ask to be watched, it sticks a knife to your throat and demands that you watch it. When I first saw the full-page ad […]

Directed by Conor McMahon, 2004

There is a limit to how much handheld, homebrew horror I can take. I didn’t think I could quantify that limit, but after enduring this trash I can firmly tell you that even 30 minutes pushes it.
Because the opening shot is of a man being attacked and eaten by a […]

Directed by Eli Roth, 2006

Because this site was originally bought with the intention of turning it into an Eli Roth shrine, I think it is only fitting that the first review on it be for Hostel. Ever since the theatrical run of Cabin Fever I have relentlessly praised Roth and once he started making appearances […]