Remember a few months ago when Lionsgate acquired the rights to a third season of "Masters of Horror" at the same time that Showtime revealed they would not be optioning a third season?

Looks like Lionsgate finally found a new home at the peacock.  NBC will be airing 13 episodes of the newly retitled "Fear Itself" across those lonely Saturday nights of summer ’08.  The same producing team of Garris, Deane and Addis will be spearheading the show, but no other talent has been announced yet.

Obviously the episodes will be on the softer side of things.  I have a feeling we won’t be seeing any topless Deer Women or bodies being dissolved by acid in a bath tub, but that doesn’t give me any reason to fret.  I am one of the few people who apparently doesn’t instantly vomit at the thought of PG-13 horror.  The only time the rating really hurts is when the original intentions were so obviously geared for a bolder rating.  Trimming down at the last minute for market reasons is terrible, but if something is crafted from the beginning to be PG-13, there is no inherent reason it must be bad.

I for one am looking forward to a Saturday night scare anthology.  After all, the void left by "Are You Afraid of the Dark" has never properly been filled.  Those are some big shoes, though.  I mean, a wizard inside a pinball machine?  That is fear itself indeed.

If you talk Italian horror you talk first and foremost of Argento and Fulici.  I confess that of the twenty odd films and television episodes that Dario Argento has directed, I’ve seen exactly 3 – and two of those are "Masters of Horror" episodes.  For a guy who runs a horror site, this would seem inexcusable.  And, well, I don’t actually have an excuse.

It just hasn’t come up.  Profondo Rosso, Tenebre, Inferno etc. are all on my radar, there just always seems to be a reason to let ‘em slide on down.  If it weren’t for the "Masters" episodes at the tip of my remote, my exposure would be even less.  Fortunately, his episodes have been highlights of the touch-and-go series.  Season 1′s Jenifer is a stronger outing than Pelts (which hit DVD last Tuesday), but his sophomore trip is still worth a once over if it crosses your late night television path.

Meat Loaf, yes, that Meat Loaf, plays Jake, an Emperor of Sleaze fur trader obsessed with bedding (read: raping) his favorite stripper.  One of his deeply redneck suppliers returns from a supposedly cursed chunk of the woods with traps full of raccoons.  Good ‘ole Jeb skins ‘dem coons right proper and the resulting pelts become objects of rapture.  Jeb’s skinning apprentice is the first to fall under their spell, bashing in Jeb’s skull before taking a face first plunge into a steel trap.

Jake finds the wondrous pelts and brings them back to his shop with the intention of making a coat for his stripper to model in an upcoming show, as an oh-so-devious ruse to make her open up to him.  The pelts themselves capture each worker one by one, causing them to try their hand at all kinds of body art.

The story may sound familiar because it is familiar.  The pelts are simply a substitution for any number of things in object-obsessed stories.  The characters, especially Meat Loaf, are all disgusting.  Too much camera time is spent on skirting the viewer with lap dances.

Yet all these things mesh together under Argento’s goal of sheer viewer revulsion.  Watching Meat Loaf paw at, lust after and attempt to rape a stripper is flat gross.  It is a deadpan, convincing performance and the singer deserves credit for it, but it certainly isn’t pleasant to watch a woman shove her bare ass in his sweaty face.  The whole thing has an air of seediness that can’t be shaken. 

The gore is all self-inflicted and goes straight for a squirm factor over a quality set-up/pay off.  The effects themselves, except for the intentionally far out climax, are all believable, but the content is little more than surface shock.

The discomfort here shouldn’t be over sold, however.  Watching it all come together won’t make you vomit – it never really does anything too bold or original – but it won’t put you to sleep either.  One’s own overall enjoyment will boil down to how much you enjoy the sleazier side of the genre.  There would have been a time, probably when I was in high school, when I thought possession-inducing pelts and strippers was a riot, but these days it doesn’t impress me much.

The saving grace is that the story, when mixed with its director’s style, reaches such levels of absurdity that you can’t help but crack a smile at some point – even if that point comes after the credits roll.  Once things slip far from reality, it is too jovial not to at least chuckle at.

I may not have seen much Argento, but I’ve seen enough to know he can do far better than this.  It is television for a select crowd.  Even if you aren’t a fan of the things hinted at above, if you’re bored at 1am and Showtime is just a button press away, you could do worse.  But, if you’re actively looking for something to get your heart pumping, Pelts isn’t it.

Brad Anderson – the guiding hand behind Session 9 and The Machinist – has seemingly developed a crush on showing middle aged men in increasing states of mental disrepair.  If it weren’t for his television work on shows with continuity linked episodes (such as HBO’s fantastic The Wire), one may think that is all the man has eyes for.  Never you mind, though, for with Sounds Like Brad Anderson shows brewing insanity with admirable fervor and renewed originality.

This go around the victim is phone tech support moderator Larry.  He recently lost a child and his seemingly loopy wife won’t let him forget.  His coworkers hate him and his uncanny ability to reprimand them for things that, under rational circumstances, would be private.  Oh, and his hearing is building uncontrollably to supernatural levels.  Being forced to spend every waking moment listening to normally inaudible sounds of banal minutia with a booming, oft deafening volume is clearly carving away at the foundation of any reality the man once knew.

The episode contains exactly what you would expect from audio-centric material.  There are whole segments dedicated to the ear drum horrors Larry must have thrust perpetually upon him.  On one side, this could be a hinderance.  So much time dedicated to simply sounds and not narrative development could get boring for some.  And with out a proper listening environment, it could get damn near unbearably tedious.  However, the benefits of the other side tip the scales.  The sound mix is great and while the noise may be unidirectional, it isn’t without necessary function.  It is a great, albeit obvious way to show the source of Larry’s irrational behavior.

The fat of Anderson’s episode begging to be trimmed is the undeniable fact that Larry is flat out detracting.  Save for his abnormal hearing, he is a dreadfully boring character.  The people around him are even boring.  With everyone so void there is no one left to give half an emotional damn about.  Yet even with no emotional investment, it is still a treat to watch the wall of Larry’s sanity shatter.

But let it be noted that this is a case where every character is annoyingly boring, but the actual process of watching the episode is not.  Not for someone with a patience meter tuned past that of an MTV-based span.  It’s nowhere close to consistently thrilling, mind you, but it’s not bound to put you into a coma either.  Plus there is the unsettling sound mix and a dreamy, weeping music score that is one of the series’ best to date.

It has a tremendous, surreal ending with a deliberate, wispy aesthetic that grounds the faltering reality of the rest of the film into an almost fairy tale territory.  As a whole it is not engineered for mass appeal, but anyone with a straight head for film told with ears and eyes as opposed to hearts and minds will find a fistful of things to enjoy about Sounds Like.  Oddly enough, even with all its lofty missteps, it’s still a better built hour than most "Masters of Horror" episodes.

John Landis’ sophomore "Masters" entry is, thus far, the best of the series.  I’d even go so far as to say that Family is the best thing the director has been involved with in excess of two decades.

The elegant opening shot planted a wicked smile on my face that rarely faded throughout the hour.  A portly, homely Wendt dissolving the body of an elderly gentleman in his basement while listening to vintage gospel just prior to returning upstairs for a conversational family meal.  Only the oral exchanges on hand exist entirely in the head of Wendt, for none of the family members are actually capable of speaking, thanks in no small part to the fact that they are all skeletons.

Naturally, new neighbors, David and Celia, arrive just across the street.  The new couple drunkenly knock over Harold’s mailbox, leading to the eventual meeting point from which Harold develops an immediate infatuation with Celia (Meredith Monroe) and the excellent dirty talk he imagines her sliding into the conversation.  The couple depart and Harold begins to fantasize about making her the newest member of his mis-matched, skeletal family.

George Wendt, of "Cheers" fame, is inspirationally cast as Harold, the crucial ingredient to the familiar "neighbor isn’t who you think he is" formula.  Family would read exactly like a Goosebumps plot or an episode of "Eerie Indiana" were it not for Wendt’s side splitting performance or Brent "I wrote the highly underrated script for Frailty" Hanley’s remarkable script.  Applauding the comedic aspects of a horror script may, initially, cast a less-than-serious light on the genuinely somber plot, but worry not for the humor here is used to build tremendous moments of tension.

Watching Harold play out elaborate, but shockingly normal, family dynamics with the remains of long dead members of other families expertly shapes into a truly unique piece of psychosis.  Not only does he talk to the dead, but he imagines them carrying out daily life.  On top of that, he doesn’t just use them for affirmation, but he often times is on the receiving end of a firm, but funny scolding.

The cast is exceptional.  The aforementioned eeriness of Wendt is wonderful, of course, but Meredith Monroe is also delightful as the object of Harold’s bizarre desire.  Supporting it all is a nearly ever-present score by Peter Bernstein that gives the episode a charming aura of off kilter suburbia.

The script effortlessly becomes akin to watching a camoflauged spider encircle its prey.  The only areas that I think could benefit from improvement or a few staggered lines of dialogue at the end.  Burdened by too much exposition, it feels out of place with the rest of the script’s personality and exists, knowingly, in service only to the audience and not the story.  Save for that and my minor disbelief that a body can dissolve as rapidly as the ones in Harold’s steel tubs do, I’d deem John Landis’ Family not only one of the best successes of the "Masters of Horror" series, but of the director’s entire career.

The previous team up of R.C. Matheson and Tobe Hooper resulted in Dance of the Dead, what many (present company included) considered the worst episode of Masters’ first season.  I fell asleep during it.

It is with a clear conscious that I feel obligated to inform you that The Damned Thing, Hooper/Matheson’s second team up put me to sleep as well.

It opens promising enough with a birthday dinner in which the husband/father calmly unloads more than one shotgun round into his wife before chasing his son out into the accompanied wind storm.  The son is saved at the last minute by an unseen force which levels the father into the side of a pickup, spinning him like the Wheel of Fortune while simultaneously disemboweling him.  A solid effect by KNB, as are the rest of the mutilations, but the quality Kayro isn’t nearly enough to save Matheson’s scraggly script or Hooper’s inability to tell a story.

Sean Patrick Flanery is a little too gruff as the adult boy who can’t get over his childhood trauma.  Ted Raimi is a fan favorite and his turn as a priest will certainly be welcome by any viewer, but he is of relative unimportance along with the rest of the cast.  I’d mention other roles, but I can’t remember a single name.

The Damned Thing itself, the mysterious, oil (yes, that oil) linked presence, causes people all over town to commit grizzly acts against neighbor and self.  This all eventually boils over into an apocalyptic battle for the town, only we don’t get to see the meat of the action because Flannery’s character locks himself inside.  After the chaos appears to end, he heads back outside and right into the petroleum based hands of the corporeal form of the Damned Thing, which is hysterical in ways clearly not intended.

As with nearly everything Hooper has done since the ’80s, the narrative breaks down more than half way through.  But hey, at least the abrupt ending is welcome relief, even if it does cause hands to be thrown into the air.  Richard Christian Matheson needs to take a break from writing teleplays and have a long chat with his father.  I am Legend is the finest horror story ever written, it’s a pity to think that none of Matheson senior’s talent survived a generation.

If you happen to be one of the few people who still thinks Tobe Hooper has any directorial clout, by all means watch The Damned Thing.  If you’re like the rest of the world, appreciate the watchable episode for KNB’s practical effects and Ted Raimi alone.

While the director lineup etc has been known for a while now, Showtime has finally, officially confirmed the airing order and dates for the second season of Masters of Horror.  Well, for the most part:

Masters Of Horror: The Damned Thing (Tobe Hooper) 10/27/2006
Masters Of Horror: Family (John Landis) 11/3/2006
Masters Of Horror: The V Word (Ernest Dickerson)11/10/2006
Masters Of Horror: Sounds Like (Brad Anderson) 11/17/2006
Masters Of Horror: Pro-Life (John Carpenter) 11/24/2006
Masters Of Horror: Pelts (Dario Argento) 12/1/2006
Masters Of Horror: Screwfly Solution (Joe Dante) 12/8/2006
Masters Of Horror: Valerie On The Stairs (Mick Garris) 12/29/2006
Masters Of Horror: #209 1/5/06
Masters Of Horror: #210 1/12/06
Masters Of Horror: #211 1/19/06
Masters Of Horror: #212 1/26/06
Masters Of Horror: #213 2/2/06

“Sounds Like" by Brad Anderson- 11/17/2006
Quality control supervisor Larry Pearce (CHRIS BAUER) spends his days monitoring the nuances of his tech support staff’s telephone conversations… listening is his life.  However, when grief over his son’s death leads to a supernaturally heightened sense of sound, Larry is forced to take violent action to silence the horrific cacophony in his head. Its “The Tell-Tale Heart” meets “The Conversation” in this tale of psychological terror based on Mike O’Driscoll’s short story.  LAURA MARGOLIS also stars.

 Brad Anderson (“The Machinist,” “Session 9”) is set to direct.

“Pelts” by Matt Venne.-   12/1/2006
Fur trader Jake Feldman (MEATLOAF) knows that you can’t make a coat without breaking a few animals’ necks.  In his pursuit to make the perfect fur coat to win over a woman, Feldman steals supernatural raccoon pelts that violently turn against those that covet them.   “The skin trade” gets a whole new twist in this Giallo-style adaptation of F. Paul Wilson’s short story.  JOHN SAXON also stars.

Dario Argento (“Suspiria,” “Terror at the Opera”) is set to direct.

“Pro-Life” by Drew McWeeny & Scott Swan – 11/24/2006
A near-accident on an isolated mountain road lands young Angelique (CAITLIN WACHS) in a nearby women’s health clinic.  As her fervently anti-abortion father Dwayne (RON PERLMAN) and his well-armed three sons attempt to “liberate” Angelique, she discovers that the only thing more dangerous than her would-be saviors is the demonic seed growing within her.  MARK FEUERSTEIN and EMMANUELLE VAUGIER also star.

John Carpenter (“Halloween,” “The Thing”) is set to direct.

“The Screwfly Solution” by Sam Hamm. – 12/8/2006
Based on the short story by Raccoona Sheldon, a deadly virus infects the nation, transforming men into psychotic killers who attack every woman that crosses their paths. A suburban housewife and her teenage daughter embark on a treacherous journey to survive, but how can they protect themselves from an entire gender gone mad?  JASON PRIESTLY and ELLIOT GOULD star.

Joe Dante (“The Howling,” “Gremlins”) is set to direct.

“The V Word” by Mick Garris. -11/10/2006
When two teenage boys break into a mortuary in hope of seeing a dead body, the macabre punishment visited upon them will far outweigh their crime.  Instead of fulfilling their morbid curiosity, the boys are attacked by a rampaging vampire (MICHAEL IRONSIDE) and must ultimately decide whether to sacrifice themselves or survive as blood-thirsty killers.

Ernest Dickerson (“Bones,” “Demon Knight”) is set to direct.

“Valerie on the Stairs” by Mick Garris. – 12/29/2006
At a commune for aspiring novelists, Rob Hanisee (TYRON LEITSO) discovers that there are fates worse than literary anonymity when he is visited by a strange apparition.  Beautiful, naked and covered with supernatural ooze, Valerie might be the muse that Rob has always searched for — or the manifestation of a much darker force. Blood and death follow Rob across the tenuous line between life and art.  CHRISTOPHER LLOYD also stars in this adaptation of Clive Barker’s original screen story.

Mick Garris (“Riding the Bullet,” “The Stand”) is set to direct.

“The Black Cat” by Stuart Gordon & Dennis Paoli.
Edgar Allan Poe (JEFFREY COMBS), out of ideas and short of cash, is tormented by a black cat that will either destroy his life or inspire him to write one of his most famous stories.

Stuart Gordon (“Re-Animator,” “Dagon”) is set to direct.

“We All Scream for Ice Scream” by David J. Schow. 
Years ago, a youthful prank by a gang of kids known as the West End Bunch went seriously wrong. Now grown up and a parent himself, former West-Ender Layne Banixter (LEE TERGESON) witnesses the friends of his youth systematically murdered by their own children, who have inexplicably turned against them. In order to save his family, Layne must face long-buried fears and the realization that sometimes the sins of the fathers are visited upon the son.  WILLIAM FORSYTHE also stars in this adaptation of John Farris’ short story. 

Tom Holland (“Fright Night,” “Child’s Play”) is set to direct.

“The Damned Thing” by R.C. Matheson. – 10/27/2006
An unknown monstrous force descends upon a small Texas town, turning husband against wife, brother against sister, parent against child. Tortured by his own tragic past, Sheriff Kevin Reddle (SEAN PATRICK FLANERY) must overcome his horrific rage if he is to restore order.  MARISA COUGHLAN and TED RAIMI also star in this apocalyptic tale of terror. 

Tobe Hooper (“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Poltergeist”) is set to direct.

“Family” by Brent Hanley. – 11/3/2006
The Fullers (MEREDITH MONROE and MATT KEESLAR), a young married couple, move to a new town and discovers that their neighbor, Harold Thompson (GEORGE WENDT), is not what he seems.  He putters away at his hobbies; however, his passion is anything but innocent.  The Fullers will soon know what evil lurks in the depth of suburban basements.

John Landis (“American Werewolf in London ,” “Thriller”) is set to direct.

“The Washingtonians” by Jonathon Schaech & Richard Chizmar.
After his grandmother’s funeral, Mike (JONATHON SCHAECH) discovers an artifact in her basement could re-write the history of our nation.  Interpreting clues that suggest George Washington was in fact an insatiable cannibal, Mike must protect his family and escape from a band of loyal Washingtonians, hungry for human flesh and willing to protect our founding father’s secrets at any cost.  SAUL RUBINEK also stars in this adaptation of Bentley Little’s short story. 

Peter Medak (“The Changeling”) is set to direct.

“Right to Die” by CREDITS TO BE DETERMINED
Her flesh has been charred and her body remains comatose, but from a strict medical perspective, Abby is still alive.  Beset by guilt, her conflicted husband Cliff (MARTIN DONOVAN) is determined to get a court order to cease her pain.  Her condition worsening, she repeatedly flat-lines and is revived.  But each time Abby’s body dies, her apparition grows stronger, violently attacking those that have taken advantage of her plight.  If Cliff pulls the plug, he’s next on the list.  This topical horror story takes a supernatural stand on the right-to-life debate. CORBIN BERNSEN also stars.

Rob Schmidt (“Wrong Turn”) is set to direct. 

“Dream Cruise” by Naoya Takayama and Norio Tsuruta.
Jack (DANIEL GILLIES), an American lawyer working in Tokyo , has fallen in love with the wife of his most valued client, Eiji. Despite Jack’s deep-rooted fear of the sea, he reluctantly accepts Eiji’s invitation to join the couple for a day trip on the Tokyo Bay . Pleasure turns to terror as they discover the watery destiny in store for each of them. RYO ISHIBASHI and YOSHINO KIMURA also star in this adaptation of Koji Suzuki’s short story.

Norio Tsuruta (“Ringu 0: Bâsudei,” “Premonition”) is set to direct.

Below is the official press release from Anchor Bay/IDT that details each episode, it’s director, writer, cast etc.  Some of ‘em sound pretty good, like Joe Dante’s, John Carpenter’s, Dario Argento’s, and Brad Anderson’s.  Then again, some of ‘em are pretty bland: Ernest Dickerson’s, Mick Garris’, Stuart Gordon’s (despite the Poe origins).

Anyways, give it a once over.  I’m looking forward to it, but I get my hopes up a lot.  I’m stupid like that.

Industry Entertainment Partners, a leading talent management and production company, has produced award-winning films including sex, lies and videotape, Drugstore Cowboy, The Player, Requiem for a Dream, and Quills.

Damn did Anchor Bay really pack these Masters of Horror DVDs with some very worth while features.  Counting the running time of the commentary tracks, of which there are two, there are over 3 hours of special features here:

• Available Audio Tracks: English (Dolby Digital 5.1), English (Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround)
• Commentary by Writer/Director Don Coscarelli and Writer Stephen Romano
• Commentary by Writer/Director Don Coscarelli and "Incident" Author Joe R. Lansdale
• "Predators and Prey – An Interview with Don Coscarelli" featurette
• "Working With A Master: Don Coscarelli" featurette
• "Behind The Scenes: The Making of Incident On and Off A Mountain Road" featurette
• On Set: An Interview with John De Santis
• On Set: An Interview with Ethan Embry
• Trailers
• Still Gallery
• Don Coscarelli Bio
• Screenplay (DVD-ROM)
• Screensaver (DVD-ROM)

Extras:
The Still Gallery and Don Coscarelli Bio are your generic freeze frames of text/imagery, which are always lackluster on DVDs (who REALLY wants to reads pages of text from their couch?), but the rest of the features more than make up for it.

The "Predators and Prey" and "Working With A Master" featurette’s are superb.  There’s some tiny overlap between the two, but they’re really informative examinations of Don’s career and life, all the way from 1976′s Jim The World’s Greatest up to Incident.  "Predators and Prey" is about 23 minutes of Don talking openly to the camera about his inspirations, his successes, his failures and why he made every film he has.  It’s never, ever dull and provides a lot of smiles.

But the real smile inducing featurette is "Working With a Master", which hovers around 20 minutes as well and is comprised of new praise from all of Don’s key actors/producers over the year: Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister and Paul Pepperman of the Phantasm series, as well as Marc Singer from Beastmaster, and of course the Incident cast.  Obviously no one has a bad thing to say about Don, but the praise is so genuine that you can’t help but respect the man more.  The highlight of the reel is Marc Singer’s honest desire to remember his experience on Beastmaster in the life flashes that may happen before you die.

The on-set interviews with John De Santis, who played Moonface, is cool because you get to see his make-up effects being applied etc, plus his take on Moonface’s characterization is interesting.  Ethan Embry’s is a little drier, but still worth a watch at less than 5 minutes.

The Behind the Scene’s featurette is a bit of let down, just because it’s a montage of behind the scene’s footage that is cut to a wholely generic techno song.  Doesn’t really have a point.

There is a small set design easter egg to the right of the menu, which is worth a quick watch just because the sets are pretty fancy.

The Commentary Tracks:
I haven’t listened to both commentary tracks, but the Coscarelli/Lansdale track is worth listening to.  It’s not at all dry, but actually pretty energetic thanks to the modesty and humor of both talkers.

But I’m also a writer, so I like to hear successful writers talk about their craft, especially great writers like Joe R. Lansdale, who is a kick here.

The Movie:
It’s no secret that Don Coscarelli’s episode of Masters of Horror is my favorite.  I think it’s perfectly paced and entertaining survival story about a woman who is chased through the woods by a horrible monster of a man. 

There are some really great performances all around, which I also think is the best acting the series has seen so far.  Ethan Embry steals a lot of his scenes as Bruce, the progressively psychotic survivalist husband of Ellen.  Angus Scrimm is a hoot, and delivers his last lines wonderfully.  John De Santis rocks it as Moonface, and is just a great creature/character actor.  Bree Turner also deserves her due as the ‘damsel in distress’, who really overcomes her young Hollywood looks, which superficially makes her hard to take seriously. 

And comeon’, don’t you just wanna see people get their eyes drilled out or someone get smashed over the head with a baby?

The Presentation:
The picture quality is fantastic, as well as the 5.1 audio mix, but then again…what do you expect from DVDs these days?  It looks good, but with anything that was a studio production of the last 5 years, there’s just no way it will look bad on disc.

The menus have the MOH music, but they’re simple point and click deals, which isn’t a criminal offense at all.

Should You Buy it?
I think you should.  Hell, I picked it up from Wal-Mart for under $10, but even at Amazon/Best Buy’s $12 price tag, it’s still worth it for the featurette’s alone.  The commentary track has a lot of meat to it, so that’s worth a listen as well.  Plus, you get a kick ass, straight chase, short horror film.  You’re out of excuses.

And, if you buy it from click on the DVD cover, I get a kickback from Amazon!