Things I Learned from MALIBU SHARK ATTACK.

Posted by Peter Hall - July 27th 2009 @ 12:03 pm

Goblin Sharks are:

  • Prehistoric,
  • Once thought to be extinct,
  • Unseen for millions of years,
  • “probably blind”, but have “electrosensory organs”,
  • Not bothered by nail guns or rotary saws,

Goblin Sharks can:

  • Eat anyone just by swimming towards them, no need to actually bite,
  • Phase shift themselves through wood floors when convenient,
  • Swim faster than a jet ski,
  • Be blown up by bottles of Windex and a flare gun,
  • Jump out of the water and grab people, despite being, ya’ know, blind,

Peta Wilson looks very sad all of the time, like someone either just ran over her dog or she saw herself on a monitor.  And apparently she’s down for a threesome when all is said and done.

The familiar looking blond chic in the bikini is apparently not important enough to list on the paltry IMDB page (Neither is Peta Wilson, for that matter.).  I almost went insane trying to figure out where I recognized her from.  She’s the tanning bed girl, aka the best death in FINAL DESTINATION 3.

When Navy Seals retire, they become lifeguards in Malibu.

SHARKS IN VENICE was not Syfy’s low-point.

James Lipton needs to do an Inside the Actor’s Studio episode with the graphic above.

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  1. adam charles
    July 27th, 2009 | 12:42 pm | #1

    You didn’t know all that about goblin sharks? Geez, I’m glad Syfy’s out there educating the ignorant like YOU! How’d you graduate kindergarten w/out knowing this stuff?

    That tanning bed death sequence is genuinely one of the hardest things I’ve watched in a horror film. It’s in my least favorite Final Destination film, but I won’t lie and say that specific death scene didn’t make me squirm a little.

  2. July 27th, 2009 | 4:24 pm | #2

    Oh, it’s easily the best part of FINAL DESTINATION 3 and, yes, very unsettling to watch.

  3. July 27th, 2009 | 4:34 pm | #3

    Plus, I don’t know why they didn’t include the Goblin Shark’s super-wacky-action-jaws!

  4. Cody
    July 27th, 2009 | 7:10 pm | #4

    Kill it with fire

  5. Lee
    September 20th, 2009 | 12:12 am | #5

    where can someone buy the DVD movie of :Malibou shark attack(2009) ?

  6. January 25th, 2010 | 1:40 pm | #6

    Do you want to see the [semi] beautiful people of Malibu being eaten by killer CGI sharks? Of course you do, and you’re in luck because MALIBU SHARK ATTACK is online, on SCIFI.CO.UK, for free… (for UK viewers);

  7. July 22nd, 2012 | 3:59 am | #7

    Very well written post. It will be useful to anyone who usess it, including yours truly :). Keep up the good work – looking forward to more posts.

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