THE UNBORN (as a Text Based Adventure).

Posted by Peter Hall - March 23rd 2009 @ 11:06 pm

Written and Directed by David S. Goyer, 2009


You have nothing else to do.

] Watch movie

What movie would you like to watch?

] THE UNBORN

Are you sure?

] Yes.

I’ve heard it is pretty awful.

] Watch THE UNBORN

Okay, but remember, you did this to yourself.

You are an attractive 20 something jogging down a wintery road.  You see a green glove.

] Approach glove

A dog has appeared.

] Approach dog

Are you sure?  It is a pitbull that looks like he’s about to attend a birthday party for other dogs with nonsensically upside down heads.

] I said approach the fucking dog.

Surprise, you find a fetus buried under ground!

] Escape lame, artificially surreal imagery by waking up!

Douchebaggery dodged.  You are now on the phone with your best friend, the demographic appeasing Meagan Good, having a conversation no 20 somethings in the real world ever have.


The baby monitor is freaking you out.

] Climb stairs slowly, tilting head to one side in a futile attempt to figure out the situation.  Wouldn’t want to solve this too quickly.

Don’t worry, there is plenty of time for more nonsense.  Case and point, a boy is about to hit you with a piece of mirror.

] Duck!

You’re too slow.  You should go for a non-dream jog.  But first, David Goyer has no idea what to do with this movie, so he’s going to pull typical bullshit.  Pretend the mirror is creepy or that beetles are scary.  If Chris Nolan can humor him, so can you.

] Zone out.  Wait, is that indie to the core director Billy Walsh from “ENTOURAGE” teaching a class about infinity?

Yes, but you’re falling asleep and having stupid dreams again.

] Get naked and take a shower.

Done, but, er, uh, the script should build character at this point.

] Attempt tender moment of character building.

Attempt failed!  Try again later.

] Attempt creepy mirror sequence.  Again.

Attempt failed! Try again later.

] Attempt to recoup male audience interest by walking Odette Yustman around in her panties.

Success!  But this can’t go on too long, dates will stir awkwardly.

] Okay, go take apart a mirror and wake me back up when something interesting threatens to happen.

…  Not likely …


You’re at the doctor!  He has taken a picture of your eyeball.  Cursory examination of the purely phenotypic traits have somehow led him to discern you had/have a twin.

] Go pout to daddy.

Success!  The plot can once again glom forward, like dung rolling down a mossy incline.

] Go to library and look up something on microfilm, I’ve seen that work in other movies.

Success!  You are now at either a giant insane asylum or an old folks home.  The movie hasn’t decided which.

] Talk to whatever crazy lady is nearest.

Success!  Not unlike the doctor, the crazy old lady has distilled batshit facts from the ether, like turning oxygen into a golden MacGuffin.

] All this exposition is boring.  Take a break from near death experiences and go clubbing.

You are in the bathroom at the club.  There is a glory hole in your stall.

] Get on knees.

Tricked you!  You’ve been cock blocked by a sink that vomits dirty water and beetles.  The tiled wall writhes with unexplainable nonsense.

] Shit.

Don’t sweat it, you’re safe as always.  Go wash your face slowly in front of the mirror for the 9,000th time.

] Bring back Meagan Good.

In her trailer on set Megan Good has mistakenly grabbed her old script for VENOM, is reciting its familiar lines of Grandma’s ancestral superstitions that no one else on the God damned planet has ever heard of.  Surprisingly this has reminded you that even VENOM was better than the awful movie that is currently talking at you without ever feigning fear.

] Dodge exposition by having another nightmare.

Success!  But not for long.  You are having an occult Nazi bomb dropped on you.

] Call Indiana Jones.

Dr. Jones is not impressed.

] Shit.

Shit is right, you’ve got an Auschwitz ghost haunting you.

] Fine.  Fully accept convenient exposition and wear the same perpetually  just-arrived-to-Hollywood glaze Yustman does throughout the film.

You’ve fallen asleep and are dreaming again while the crazy old lady (who is also now your Grandmother) is being chased by a stroke victim with an upside down head.


] Potential scares detected.  Cop out promptly.

Success!  The one genuinely freaky image in the film has been dealt a weak hand in the editing room!

] Call Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman must be nicer than any of us can fathom for having accepted the role of a Rabbi who apparently shoots hoops with Idris Elba, a priest.

] Tap Elba’s Catholic knowledge of exorcism to learn how to expel distinctly Jewish ghost/demon that has been haunting me throughout.

Bullshit re-activated.  Megan Good is now dead, but its cool because Idris Elba is here to take her place as ancillary black anchor.

You should prepare for the exorcism.

] Inventory

In your inventory you have:

  • 10 random people to be killed in the process of the exorcism.
  • An EMT.
  • Sweet emergency lights.
  • A stretcher.
  • A gag that looks like it was designed for oral gang rape.

] Put on gag!

Rape of logic commencing.

The exorcism is not going well.  Your boyfriend has freed you despite everything playing out exactly as Gary Oldman just explained it was going to.  Should have remained calm.

] Run!

Running was a bad idea.  Idris Elba was told to impersonate the eyeball bulging chained rager from 28 DAYS LATER.  You are fucked.

] Stay safe in boyfriend’s arms.

Backfire!  Your boyfriend is possessed by a Jewish ghost.

] Uh.  Pray?

Demon defeated.

]  Alright, whatever.  Exit movie.

The movie is not over.

] Ugh.  Wait for overdue revelation of blatant plot twist.

Surprise, all this nonsense was because you’re preggers!  You just got fucked by THE UNBORN!

] Yes.  Yes I did.

Movie over.

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rss 12 comments
  1. Matt Wells
    March 23rd, 2009 | 11:25 pm | #1

    Pretty good stuff. Although Billy Walsh thinks you are a suit.

  2. March 24th, 2009 | 8:11 am | #2

    This may be the best review ever.

  3. March 24th, 2009 | 10:37 am | #3

    I haven’t seen this, but I’m not surprised to learn that crazy spider-walk-head-in-wrong-place-guy is the scariest part. I hate that kinda crap.

  4. R.J. Sayer
    March 24th, 2009 | 11:42 am | #4

    so, do Stringer Bell and Commissioner Gordon develop simultaneous crushes on Yustman like Stiller and Norton in KEEPING THE FAITH?

    because if so, i definitely want to see this movie.

  5. Birdy
    March 24th, 2009 | 12:25 pm | #5

    Thank you for saving me from this movie in a very entertaining manner. This was likely a far better way of experiencing it.

  6. March 24th, 2009 | 5:59 pm | #6

    Well thanks, all, I had more fun writing this ‘review’ than watching the movie. By far.

    Don’t be surprised to see another text adventure the next time I see something that warrants no critical appraisal whatsoever.

  7. March 24th, 2009 | 6:11 pm | #7

    Time for Hills Have Eyes 2 goddammit.

  8. Ripp
    March 25th, 2009 | 4:48 pm | #8

    Peter, start the game over from the beginning. Before you enter anything after the first prompt type IDDQD, IDKFA, and IDNOCLIP. It should make it more fun.

    Oh wait. Never mind, it’s been patched out.

    Text Based Adventures in Horror: The UNBORN 2009 v1.1 Released March 25, 2009

    *** Changes ***
    – “A gag that looks like it was designed for oral gang rape.” Has had it’s description changed to the more fitting: “A gag that looks like it was designed for repeated oral gang rape over the span of 3 years while you’re held captive in a dark cellar praying for the sweet release of death.”

    *** Removed ***
    – Fun (including cheats that may alter outcome or enable fun)

  9. March 25th, 2009 | 7:29 pm | #9

    aaaaaaaahahaha

  10. Dale
    March 27th, 2009 | 10:12 am | #10

    So the thing haunting her is her own twin fetus that became one with a ghost from a concentration camp or some bullshit? And they’re haunting her because she’s knocked up, even though her own little fetus is alive and well?

    I should see this sometime. It sounds funny.

  11. April 14th, 2009 | 8:25 pm | #11

    Wild!

  12. Jamie
    January 8th, 2012 | 4:29 pm | #12

    I liked this movie.

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