Thirteen volunteered social amoebas are slapped in front of the cameras to run through the same formula of all reality shows: challenge, failure, elimination. This destined-to-be-canceled bit of programming is angled around challenges and situations intended to scare the contestants. No one in their right mind would be scared by anything on this show, however. I’ve seen more fear in the eyes of startled runners on “LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE” than anything in this mess warrants. Few of the contestants are indeed in a proper mind state, the majority of them scream or run with as real a personality as silicone can shape.
When SPIDER-MAN 3 came out fans the world over bemoaned the doppelganger what had taken over Sam Raimi. No one could have predicted that his creative choices would worsen. Why he and lifetime producer pal Tapert got involved with this show exceeds comprehension. The technical merits are a free clinic for frontal lobotomies. An awful voice over from the founding member of the Jigsaw fan club is high art compared to the editing department. The post-production crew behind this dreck still feels in the year 2009 that shaking title cards are scary, as if there is a wraith within the moving pictures choking the evil, blood dripping letters on the screen and not some guy in a trailer with one hand on a keyboard and the other on his career-issue orange bottle of anti-depressants.
The entire production is burdened by an unimpeachable understanding that at no moment are any of these sheeple placed in any legitimately threatening situation. One couldn’t fire a cannonball through the set without hitting 5 PAs, 4 camera men, 3 sound guys or two assholes whose horror roots have hit a point of no return.
Even the title of the thing is belittling. Is there a popular contention I am unaware of that fear is not real? Is it not one of the eight primary emotions? Are the producers laying down a gauntlet woven out of unicorn bullshit with the intimation that recent horror productions generate no real fear? Is 13 a scary number still? Is it supposed to be frightening that they’re all playing for $66,666? Are we a nation of 8 year olds? Please explain.
I don’t accept the argument that I’m not the target audience for this show just because it is the lead in to a repeat of “90210”. I am the exact audience of anything produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert. Still, the demo who watch “90210” have seen scarier videos on YouTube than anything this limp dick has to offer. And for the love of God, don’t show me a trailer for THE UNINVITED at every commercial break. Do not lord that shit over me.
The only enjoyment to be had in the entire premiere episode is when Leah, the most dreadful human being to ever grace their beat mug across my television, snags some clothing on a branch while running in the woods at night. For a brief moment one could live the fantasy that the real-world bartender would hang herself on a tree. Alas, she does not. She keeps running while I keep hoping the bar she tends is located on the Gaza strip.