“We have sharks inside buildings as well.”

Just when you thought the Sci-Fi channel could not get any dumber, they go and do something like this…. and totally redeem themselves! The this being GOBLIN SHARK ATTACK. Fangoria has an article up on the film and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a movie about goblin sharks. I’ll pellet out the reasons why for easy PacMan like consumption:

• ““People do catch these things,” he continues, “but ours are monsters that get released from a big underground cavern during a seaquake. The resulting tsunami washes them ashore. Not only do car parks and basements of buildings, but we have sharks inside buildings as well. There’s a recipe for something cool there.””

Can someone please invent a machine that unmelts eyeballs? Quickly. So, you’re telling me that not only does GOLBIN SHARK ATTACK deal with the most white trash looking Chordate in the deep blue, but it doesn’t even take place there? It takes place in car parks and basements?

• ““The central characters are lifeguards on Malibu Beach,” Bradley explains, who survive the wave but get trapped under their building. The sharks know they are there and break in.”

Notice that word choice: “The sharks know they are there and break in.” They don’t swim in through a shattered window, they are not let in by way of a comical accident. They – the most beat looking shark on the planet – break in. If they also construct a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela, I am going to need a defibrillator to watch this movie.

• “We’ve got another scene that’s a bit of a homage to JAWS 3-D, where we have a parasailor getting into all sorts of trouble and ending up being half the man he used to be.””

This, above all else, may seal the deal for me. Of all films to salute, they go with JAWS 3-D. No joke? If the whole of horror is an arcade claw machine, the producers of GOBLIN SHARK ATTACK have just strut right up to the bill feeder, paid the hungry toll, took command of the joystick with a swagger of pure confidence and proceeded to plot course for the Casio calculator watch with a visibly broken face plate.

At least they know their priorities.

No word yet on when you can snuggle up to this beauty (which may foolishly be retitled to MALIBU SHARK ATTACK – guh!), but rest your weary head, for I am in the crow’s nest with eternal vigilance.

[Fangoria - First comments, photos from new SHARK ATTACK]

Oh, and if you’re looking for this gem on IMDb, don’t bother. Doesn’t even exist. Is that a portent? Nah, I think of it as an elusive mythic grail, uncharted and unspoiled.