“We have sharks inside buildings as well.”

Posted by Peter Hall - May 7th 2008 @ 5:59 pm

Just when you thought the Sci-Fi channel could not get any dumber, they go and do something like this…. and totally redeem themselves! The this being GOBLIN SHARK ATTACK. Fangoria has an article up on the film and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a movie about goblin sharks. I’ll pellet out the reasons why for easy PacMan like consumption:

  • “People do catch these things,” he continues, “but ours are monsters that get released from a big underground cavern during a seaquake. The resulting tsunami washes them ashore. Not only do car parks and basements of buildings, but we have sharks inside buildings as well. There’s a recipe for something cool there.””

Can someone please invent a machine that unmelts eyeballs? Quickly. So, you’re telling me that not only does GOLBIN SHARK ATTACK deal with the most white trash looking Chordate in the deep blue, but it doesn’t even take place there? It takes place in car parks and basements?

  • “The central characters are lifeguards on Malibu Beach,” Bradley explains, who survive the wave but get trapped under their building. The sharks know they are there and break in.”

Notice that word choice: “The sharks know they are there and break in.” They don’t swim in through a shattered window, they are not let in by way of a comical accident. They – the most beat looking shark on the planetbreak in. If they also construct a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela, I am going to need a defibrillator to watch this movie.

  • We’ve got another scene that’s a bit of a homage to JAWS 3-D, where we have a parasailor getting into all sorts of trouble and ending up being half the man he used to be.””

This, above all else, may seal the deal for me. Of all films to salute, they go with JAWS 3-D. No joke? If the whole of horror is an arcade claw machine, the producers of GOBLIN SHARK ATTACK have just strut right up to the bill feeder, paid the hungry toll, took command of the joystick with a swagger of pure confidence and proceeded to plot course for the Casio calculator watch with a visibly broken face plate.

At least they know their priorities.

No word yet on when you can snuggle up to this beauty (which may foolishly be retitled to MALIBU SHARK ATTACK – guh!), but rest your weary head, for I am in the crow’s nest with eternal vigilance.

[Fangoria – First comments, photos from new SHARK ATTACK]

Oh, and if you’re looking for this gem on IMDb, don’t bother. Doesn’t even exist. Is that a portent? Nah, I think of it as an elusive mythic grail, uncharted and unspoiled.


rss 15 comments
  1. R.J. Sayer
    May 8th, 2008 | 1:35 am | #1

    As COMPLETELY FUCKING STOKED as damn-near EVERY aspect of this monstrosity gets me (the subject, the story, the title, etc.), there is one lone element that jams an olive fork into the urethra of my boner…

    …i know the sharks will be CGI. and not just CGI. but painfully BAD CGI.

    seriously, this deserves better. this deserves animatronics and puppetry and practical FX work seamlessly married to CG cleanup.

    Fuck. this thing deserves Peter Fucking Jackson. that’s right, assholes, i went THERE.

    man, i’ve been wanting to write a film about sharks attacking people in their homes and businesses ever since i read an article stating that SHARKS WERE SWIMMING IN THE GODDAMN STREET after Hurricane Katrina (Bitch).

    and since Sci-Fi Channel is the one beating me to the punch… i guess i still can.

  2. R.J. Sayer
    May 8th, 2008 | 1:38 am | #2

    also, Peter, did you just take a picture of a Great White and photoshop the Goblin-ness onto it?

    it already looks worlds better than how the sharks in the movie will undoubtedly be portrayed.

  3. R.J. Sayer
    May 8th, 2008 | 1:40 am | #3

    also, i love that Photoshop is now a verb.

    like Google.

  4. May 8th, 2008 | 5:29 am | #4

    Nope, that is official production art for the movie. When I ’shop, the fakery is so masterful it takes supercomputers toiling days on end to discern art from life.

    Exhibit A.

  5. May 8th, 2008 | 5:35 pm | #5

    Sounds like total shit to me. I can’t wait.

  6. Brian
    May 8th, 2008 | 5:46 pm | #6

    Does anyone else think these new commenters are all Peter?

  7. May 8th, 2008 | 10:37 pm | #7

    The jig is up!

  8. Tony
    July 25th, 2009 | 10:14 pm | #8

    If it were not for the hot whiney blonde chick I’d have never made it thru.

  9. August 19th, 2010 | 2:12 am | #9

    fuck you sluts

  10. August 19th, 2010 | 2:13 am | #10

    fuck you

  11. August 19th, 2010 | 2:15 am | #11

    hot whiney blonde she has some nice tits

  12. Brian
    August 25th, 2010 | 7:05 am | #12

    Mr. Foley, will you answer questions about GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS? THE CORRUPTOR?

  13. September 27th, 2010 | 1:35 am | #13

    I gotta see this.

  14. March 2nd, 2011 | 2:48 am | #14

    Ugly ass shark !!

  15. jonyboy
    September 9th, 2011 | 3:48 pm | #15

    to R J Sayer

    sorry to piss on your bonfire but all the stories and photos of sharks swimming in the streets after hurricane Katrina are FAKE….

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