Uwe Boll’s Plan to Save Hollywood: Lose the cokeheads, bullshit breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Posted by Peter Hall - September 11th 2008 @ 7:47 pm

Uwe Boll must never have received word that I am his biggest fan, as I conversely never received the raving email sent from cinema’s ousted tyrant to various sources around the web.  1UP received the manifesto, however, and they’ve done us all the favor of publishing much of the boxer’s insight into the industry aptly titled “The Film market — or THERE IS NO MONEY IN MOVIES.”  Oh, yes, Boll is going there and judging from the “essay’s” inconsistent capitalization kicking off in the title and never stopping, I’d say he started the evening early.

I’ll leave the full repost at 1UP, but of course I’ve got to cherry pick a few favorites.  First up, with all the numbers that Boll bandies about in his rant, I am flabbergasted that the one computer game he hasn’t adapted is Math Blaster.  I don’t know where he got his numbers, so I’ll just assume he knows what he is talking about.  I cannot imagine a reason not to.

Second, Boll poetically questions, “Why not Pirates putting for 10 years in jail?” This may be the crown jewel of the piece.  Not because it offers any particular illumination as to THERE IS NO MONEY IN MOVIES, but because I imagine that Uwe Boll is genuinely wondering why not put pirates in jail for 10 years.  He phrases it so coyly, as if testing the waters on a first date to see what we’d let him get away with.

Third, the money shot quote that solves all of Hollywood’s problems:

“I will stop here before I start writing about totally overpaid agents, managers, agents, and studio executives in L.A. living in airballoons as long they can rip money out of the world outside of L.A. or the major companies. If I would run a studio I would do the same movies for half of the production costs in throwing the cokeheads out and cutting the bullshit of breakfast, lunch, and dinner meetings with idiots who never made a movie in their life. I can shoot a movie like Fantastic Four 2 in half of the time for half of the money shot by shot.”

Boll may have ground here, actually.   I have no doubt in my mind that he could take an expensive crappy movie and turn in a comparably crappy movie for half the price.  He’s been making junk on the cheap for years, the man is pro at it.  I love that he offers no thought as to how to cease producing bad movies, only how to produce inexpensive bad movies.

Optimizing shit.  I should have known Uwe Boll would have it no other way.

Via Shacknews.

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  1. Joey
    September 12th, 2008 | 4:39 am | #1

    Uwe Boll just got himself another fan.

  2. September 12th, 2008 | 6:47 pm | #2

    This man has probably been responsible for the creation of more drinking games than Chuck Norris and every kung-fu film combined.

  3. Matt W
    September 27th, 2008 | 6:19 pm | #3

    I can’t wait to see his next stinkfest. I was stupidly there for Dungeon Siege, front & center.

  4. Matt S
    October 13th, 2008 | 2:35 pm | #4

    I wonder what kind of rumors one can make up about Boll before people realize they aren’t true.

    Uwe Boll cast himself as the main character in Far Cry.

    Uwe Boll has never read a single book in his life that doesnt have rhyme schemes.

    Uwe Boll directs movies entirely by text messages to his crew.

    In order to save money, the contracts with his production companies have clauses that require them to complete the movie before they get paid. On the second-to-last-day of production, he fires them all, and finishes it himself with his cell phone and iMac.

    Uwe Boll spawned Hanna Montana.

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