The Saturn Awards threw darts at a wall.

Posted by Peter Hall - June 25th 2008 @ 9:30 am

The Saturn Awards are an annual ceremony by the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films to champion and, you guessed it, award a crown to films in various categories.  I’ll admit that in the past I’ve never paid too much attention to the Saturn Awards.  They held a passive credibility with me.  Their non-commercial ceremony was somehow correlated to an authority; “Oh, it won a Saturn Award, that’s cool.” But I’ll admit, I never paid attention too close.  But now they’ve crowned their winners for the past year and I must say, that passive credibility jumped the track to active illegitimacy.

First up, Best Science Fiction Film:  CLOVERFIELD.  Fiction it holds, but science?  Where was the science in CLOVERFIELD?  And how was it leveraged with fiction as the fulcrum to then challenge our imagination as to the implications of said science?  That is what Science Fiction does.  I like CLOVERFIELD (more than my original review suggests) and I’ll certainly be on board with any accolades for its challenging of what a giant monster movie could be, but Science Fiction?  No.  And even if you want to play blind to the definition, it wasn’t even the best Science Fiction of last year.  SUNSHINE has that shiz on lockdown.  The only challenger to SUNSHINE’S title would be THE MAN FROM EARTHMaybe RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR in a distant third.

And don’t even get me started on Best Horror Film.

SWEENY TODD?  You’re taking the piss, right, “Academy”?  So now eccentric characters, slit throats and throwing the word Demon into a title counts as horror?  SWEENY TODD is a fine film, but it is no arrangement a horror film.  And, again, even if you want to bury your head in the sand, it could hardly be considered the best.  Not when THE MIST, [REC], or THE ORPHANAGE are playing in the big leagues.

They got Marcia Gay Harden right for Best Supporting Actress in THE MIST, as well as “LOST” for best Network TV (though if “JOURNEYMAN” had been granted a full season, it’d have given ABC’s giant a run), but in what frosty vision of hell does “DEXTER” beat out “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” for best Cable Television show?  Season 3 of BSG was the epoch of science fiction on television.  It doesn’t get better than that season, folks.  Not these days at least.  Several of those episodes are exemplary bastions as to how Science Fiction can take those two title words, collide them with fantasy, set them in an indeterminate future and yet be slavishly topical to the contemporary society manufacturing it.  “DEXTER” wasn’t even that good last season!  Nominate it, sure.  Crown it?  Geddafuckout.

What a farce.  I didn’t pay attention to ’em before, but now I want to know just who comprises this “Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films” and what their credentials are.  Those calls are the real fiction here.

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  1. June 25th, 2008 | 10:08 am | #1

    You didn’t swear enough. Where’s R.J.?

  2. June 25th, 2008 | 10:15 am | #2

    Peter, spare yourself and don’t look at the list of nominees, of which I will conveniently leave a link here just to tempt you.

  3. June 25th, 2008 | 11:10 am | #3

    Oh, Holy Fuck, John! If I had seen the list of nominees before hand, believe me, the above post would have been much more colorful to read.

    I’d actually include THE LAST MIMIZY in the Sci-Fi noms, but the rest are shit noms. STARDUST should have crushed ENCHANTED in best Fantasy. And the horror short list? Christ. GHOST RIDER!?!?! ARE THEY FUCKING BRAIN DEAD? WHO ARE THESE FUCKING TOOLS!?!?!

    I’m all for the PTA love, but why the shit are they even mentioning THERE WILL BE BLOOD (let alone as an action/adventure/thriller)? And if they are going to bring it up, what special kind of an asshole would EVER say that Will Smith was better than Daniel Day Lewis? Ohmafuckinggod.

    Shit. How can you get worse than that nominee list AND those winners? Fuck me.

    As for R.J. I dunno where he has been. Certainly not writing any reviews. The bum. (Me on the other hand, I’ve certainly not been writing any Box Office analysis. Oops.)

  4. R.J. Sayer
    June 26th, 2008 | 11:26 am | #4

    yeah, i check out the Saturn nominees every year … and then by the time the winners are announced, i’ve already forgotten about it.

    the nominees usually make me nod a lot, scratch my head a couple times. the winners always make me groan.

    this year, the nominees had me throwing my arms up in the air and screaming “FUCK YOU!” at my computer. if it weren’t for the twelve hour day on my gig quickly approaching, these winners would have me prison-fucking my own liver with countless cans and bottles of whatever-booze-i-could-find by sundown.

    RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR isn’t science fiction, either (as far as i’m concerned). i’d call it “science fart.” no… wait… just “fart.”

    and no, peter, SWEENEY TODD is not a “fine film.” far fucking from it, in fact. tim burton is a washed-up hack who needs to quit while we still remember he’s the guy who directed BEETLEJUICE. god help him if we ever forget that fact.

    oh, and tim, you’ve been out of high school for decades, the goth act ain’t spooky no more.

    speaking of prison-fucking, PLANET OF THE APES REMAKE.

    OH SNAP!

    sorry, about the lack of reviews, guys. i’ve been busy as shit and haven’t had time to WATCH anything, let alone write about it. i have a slacker week coming up in about a fortnight, though. so expect something around then.

  5. deepfield
    June 27th, 2008 | 11:34 am | #5

    Dexter rules.. but so does BSG :(

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