i think a MONSTER SQUAD remake could be awesome. but not in the hands of Rob (STEALTH, DAYLIGHT, THE SKULLS, XXX, etc.) Cohen. as merely a producer even. i mean, sure, he had a hand in producing the original. but that was 1987.

this is 2008. he’s been given awards and huge budgets now. he can do what he wants with the script. it’s his baby this time out.

and i just don’t see this having the darkness or gravity that an update of this story deserves. i want post-Columbine paranoia and gore and swearing and a snapshot of rocky friendships in turmoil on the cusp of teen-hood. and practical fucking effects and make-up.

this is going to be cute. with shitty top 40 pop-screamo and candy-rap songs, and awful “cultural” references, and groan-inducing “jokes” and CGI and all kinds of vomitous bullshit.

and that’s the last thing an early-aught-ified version of MONSTER SQUAD needs.

However, were Goonies to be remade, I WILL come for you. To drive you to the theater on opening night and scream:

THIS! THIS IS WHAT LAZY STUDIOS HATH WROUGHT!

If the other parties do want to get involved – AND if the studio even moves on this pic, which I am still doubtful of – I will not be surprised in the least to hear that Cohen has asked Fred Dekker to return to the chair.

You’re right, though. Rewarding flicks like THE RUINS does only matter if shit like PROM NIGHT is burned at the box office stake. And you’re further right, a burning would be more effective than a raising. Sadly, the latter is downright impossible since so little money is thrown at cash-in remakes even the most glorious of failures loses nary a dime.

Disappointing or not, I do think the blame is shared between customer and producer, between supply and demand. We, the dedicated fans, can’t ebb the flow of others’ demand, but that doesn’t leave us guilt free, either. And I’m even more an accomplice than most considering I paid for two tickets to PROM NIGHT.

At least THE STRANGERS kicked ass at the box office. (though THE RUINS is far more entertaining)

Oh, and even more sadly, I have unfailing confidence that a remake of THE GOONIES will be announced within a year and a half. I suppose that means I halve a year and a half to live.

“I doubt he wants to produce a MONSTER SQUAD remake strictly for the paycheck”

BWA-HA-HA! Hilarious. Yeah, he’s doing this all from the overflowing love in his boyish heart.

Now assume Paramount made HUGE piles of cash off of The Ruins. Huge box-office. Can’t keep the DVDs on the shelves. Cohen then comes to them with The Monster Squad remake idea and they say no? We don’t want MORE money, we already have plenty?

Now, I don’t read these websites where people are all up in arms about this movie. Like most of the American public, I ignore that shit. However, seeing you try to place the blame on horror fans instead of the money-hungry studio fucks disappoints me greatly.

If they remake The Goonies, I’m coming for you, Peter.