Of Course They’ll Remake MONSTER SQUAD, get over it.

Posted by Peter Hall - July 16th 2008 @ 6:52 pm

In case you missed it, Rob “FAST AND THE FURIOUS” Cohen told BD that Paramount had finally horded together all of the proper licenses and that he would be producing a remake of THE MONSTER SQUAD.  The Internet, as it is wont to do, imploded with the soundless thud of nerds everywhere collapsing their weary heads against boards of keys.

Is this a surprise to anyone?  It shouldn’t be.  THE MONSTER SQUAD may have lingered in rights limbo for decades, but no one forgot about it.  The sales of the sweet Lionsgate disk proved that.  So from a fiscal POV, of course it makes sense.  All remakes make sense under the green monocle.  Yet the biggest reason no one should be surprised by the news is the very reason they are all so inflamed; THE MONSTER SQUAD is fuckin’ awesome.

You know why Rob Cohen wants to put together a remake?  Because the movie kicks ass.  I know it.  You know it.  And if you and I know it, Rob Cohen damn well knows it seeing as he produced the effin’ thing twenty-one years ago.

Ask yourself this, if you loved a movie from your childhood (or in this case, your early career) and you suddenly had the money and power to do so, wouldn’t you remake it?  Wouldn’t you want to share it with a new generation?  I don’t buy this common, “Is nothing sacred to these people?!?!” mentality that crowds comment sections the tubes over.  Sure Neal “I’m making this movie to give Peter Hall an aneurysm” Moritz can’t roll out of his OVER 9000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets without greenlighting 5 remakes, but every now and then some movies get remade because people care about the material.  In my book Number 1 and Number 2 in the Best Horror Films Evarr list are remakes.

Rob Cohen may be a rain cloud in the director’s chair, but I doubt he wants to produce a MONSTER SQUAD remake strictly for the paycheck; considering he already stated he doesn’t want to direct, I consider that a great thing. I’m not saying the movie needs a remake or that a remake will be any good, I’ve just grown tired of all the bitching and moaning that comes with each and every remake announcement.  The details are sparse and purely speculative at this point yet already people are demanding blood.

It was inevitable.  Get over it, get up and go buy a copy of THE RUINS already.  If you want original studio horror, you have got to pay the price.  If the news of THE MONSTER SQUAD remake truly pisses you off that much AND you neither saw THE RUINS in theaters nor bought it at retail two weeks ago, well then I don’t want to hear it.  If you haven’t checked off at least one of those boxes, the blame for all these remakes is on you.  If we don’t give them a reason to make original (or adapted) horror, what in the fuck are you expecting to happen?

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  1. R.J. Sayer
    July 16th, 2008 | 7:13 pm | #1

    so i have to buy dvds of movies i enjoyed in the theatre but don’t necessarily want to own to keep talentless fuckwit assholes like Rob Cohen from butchering the stories i loved as a child?

    i don’t buy it, Peter.


  2. July 16th, 2008 | 7:34 pm | #2

    I’m not saying you have to do both, but you’ve gotta do one or the other. Voting with dollars is all anyone gives a shiz about.

  3. July 17th, 2008 | 7:49 am | #3

    Well dammit I never knew my ass was to blame for all these crap remakes. That sucks! What can I say I have become a netflix whore and prefer to rent them rather than buy. Well here is at least hoping that they don’t totally butcher it and that they at least get a hottie to play Dracula and that they keep the super cool hearse with the skull hood ornament.

  4. July 17th, 2008 | 9:13 am | #4

    The Ruins has what to do with what again? If you don’t want remakes, stop going to see them. THAT’S how you vote with your dollars.

    “I doubt he wants to produce a MONSTER SQUAD remake strictly for the paycheck”

    BWA-HA-HA! Hilarious. Yeah, he’s doing this all from the overflowing love in his boyish heart.

    Now assume Paramount made HUGE piles of cash off of The Ruins. Huge box-office. Can’t keep the DVDs on the shelves. Cohen then comes to them with The Monster Squad remake idea and they say no? We don’t want MORE money, we already have plenty?

    Now, I don’t read these websites where people are all up in arms about this movie. Like most of the American public, I ignore that shit. However, seeing you try to place the blame on horror fans instead of the money-hungry studio fucks disappoints me greatly.

    If they remake The Goonies, I’m coming for you, Peter.

  5. July 17th, 2008 | 11:28 am | #5

    I realize the ‘he doesn’t want it for the paycheck’ segment comes off as monumentally naive. While I have no doubt that there is a monetary incentive involved, I do still think that Cohen is not thinking strictly with the bank, that he genuinely wants the story of THE MONSTER SQUAD to find a new generation.

    If the other parties do want to get involved – AND if the studio even moves on this pic, which I am still doubtful of – I will not be surprised in the least to hear that Cohen has asked Fred Dekker to return to the chair.

    You’re right, though. Rewarding flicks like THE RUINS does only matter if shit like PROM NIGHT is burned at the box office stake. And you’re further right, a burning would be more effective than a raising. Sadly, the latter is downright impossible since so little money is thrown at cash-in remakes even the most glorious of failures loses nary a dime.

    Disappointing or not, I do think the blame is shared between customer and producer, between supply and demand. We, the dedicated fans, can’t ebb the flow of others’ demand, but that doesn’t leave us guilt free, either. And I’m even more an accomplice than most considering I paid for two tickets to PROM NIGHT.

    At least THE STRANGERS kicked ass at the box office. (though THE RUINS is far more entertaining)

    Oh, and even more sadly, I have unfailing confidence that a remake of THE GOONIES will be announced within a year and a half. I suppose that means I halve a year and a half to live.

  6. July 17th, 2008 | 11:53 am | #6

    Alright, now I think we’re more on the same level again. (Although I’m pretty sure I feel no guilt about any of this.)

    However, were Goonies to be remade, I WILL come for you. To drive you to the theater on opening night and scream:


  7. R.J. Sayer
    July 17th, 2008 | 3:50 pm | #7

    i’m not surprised by the news in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have the right to be pessimistic about it.

    i think a MONSTER SQUAD remake could be awesome. but not in the hands of Rob (STEALTH, DAYLIGHT, THE SKULLS, XXX, etc.) Cohen. as merely a producer even. i mean, sure, he had a hand in producing the original. but that was 1987.

    this is 2008. he’s been given awards and huge budgets now. he can do what he wants with the script. it’s his baby this time out.

    and i just don’t see this having the darkness or gravity that an update of this story deserves. i want post-Columbine paranoia and gore and swearing and a snapshot of rocky friendships in turmoil on the cusp of teen-hood. and practical fucking effects and make-up.

    this is going to be cute. with shitty top 40 pop-screamo and candy-rap songs, and awful “cultural” references, and groan-inducing “jokes” and CGI and all kinds of vomitous bullshit.

    and that’s the last thing an early-aught-ified version of MONSTER SQUAD needs.

  8. Brian
    July 18th, 2008 | 8:46 am | #8

    One thing in need of improvement: Dracula’s costume/makeup. How can the other monsters look so great and Dracula look like he was put together by a high school drama class?

  9. B
    July 19th, 2008 | 9:59 am | #9

    Whats the big deal? Do it up.

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