Movies I Quit: G.P. 506, FEAST 2, ANACONDA 3

Posted by Peter Hall - October 18th 2008 @ 11:03 pm

We all do it and given how many dire movies I watch in pursuit of this site, I probably tend to do it more often than others.  While I won’t review movies I haven’t seen from beginning to end, I’d at least like to give them their own special section of failure.  Thus I introduce to you this fine tab of Movies I Quit, a work in progress that will chronicle what I started, but couldn’t bring myself to finish.

In this round:

G.P. 506, Directed by Su-chang Kong, 2008
Quitting time: about 40 minutes in.

I should preface this abandonment with the belief that G.P. 506 is not a bad movie, it just has the unfortunate fate of being a movie I’ve put on twice without being in the mood for it either time.  Beautifully shot, G.P. 506 falls in line with Su-chang Kong’s other haunted soldiers flick R-POINT, this time abandoning Vietnam ghosts for a bewildering virus that infects an entire guard post’s worth of personnel along the North-South Korea buffer zone.

Why, if I think it not a bad movie, did I give it up?  The pacing is a tad slow, but more importantly I had a difficult time trying to decipher all of the film’s twists and turns.  The script often shifts time, jumping from past to present and back without any visual clues.  Normally I’d have no problem with this, but when it comes to reading subtitles and trying to pick out whether the camo clad soldier with a name I can’t pronounce and a face I don’t recognize is from two weeks ago or two minutes ago, well, it all blends together and enjoyment becomes an uphill effort.

Sad thing is G.P. 506 doesn’t particularly belong on a tab of movies worth quitting, it just happens to be one I did and as such goes in the log.  It does have a guy in it who looks and acts uncannily like a Korean Admiral Adama, so that was awesome.

FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS, directed by John Gulager, 2008
Quitting time: about 20 minutes in.

FEAST 2, on the other hand, is a flick I’ll never attempt to sit through again.  I wasn’t the biggest fan of the original, but I admired the intentions.  This second of three attempts to wrangle scummy characters into fights against toothy beasts of nonsense is, well, complete nonsense.  I was willing to sit through the character introductions and the initial lack of monsters, but then Gulager and co kept running with characters I could not care less about.

As soon as Clu Gulager bit off a woman’s ear for no reason whatsoever other than to “gross out” (a poor attempt at that) the audience, I was done.  No regrets, no second chances.  If you’re going to make a monster movie, make it with fucking monsters, not humans fighting humans for no logical reason with an occasional monster filmed with a camera too shaky to ever see anything.

ANACONDA 3: THE OFFSPRING, directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy, 2008
Quitting time: about 35 minutes in.

I don’t think there is much explanation needed here, ANACONDA 3 just is not worth the time.  David Hasselhoff fights a giant, genetically altered anaconda that has escaped a lab.  Enough said.  The CGI is five long steps behind the first ANACONDA, which I shouldn’t have to remind you was made over 11 years ago.  The acting is decent, Crystal Allen (not to be confused with the very sexy Krista Allen) plays the snakeologist scientist responsible fairly well and even though he hasn’t done anything worthwhile in years, I still enjoy seeing John Rhys-Davies on a TV screen.

But salvageable performances are not near enough to keep me watching a shitty movie with shitty CGI that doesn’t even sport the broad level of silliness we all know it should.

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comments are closed
  1. October 19th, 2008 | 11:56 am | #1

    I think I’m gonna like this section.

  2. R.J. Sayer
    October 19th, 2008 | 3:35 pm | #2

    I quit Feast 2 as well. but i lasted longer than you did.

  3. October 19th, 2008 | 8:52 pm | #3

    I skipped Feast 2’s main bits and went right to the midget wrestling/naked biker chicks. It almost made up for it.

  4. October 19th, 2008 | 8:58 pm | #4

    Me too, John, me too.

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