I’m not sure why I’m writing this; three years on and I still hate THE DESCENT.

Posted by Peter Hall - August 14th 2008 @ 10:46 pm

No film in the history of this website has wrought more word heat than Neil Marshall’s THE DESCENT.  Not even the scourge that was PROM NIGHT 2K8 comes close to how much hate I’ve poured unto the cave bound invalid.  Yet for some reason, this film, a film I’ve called on good days a “headache” and on bad days “soul crushing“, has become my white whale.  When the moons of Big Red align just right, a resistor some where deep in the logic circurity of my pink 3 lbs slips a few ohms and I think to mahself, “I should give THE DESCENT another try…” There is often a backup resistor, a vanguard in me of perpetual grudge to remind cognitive Pete that THE DESCENT is a cruel experience, but that trooper has to sleep too and thus nights like this find purchase.

It has been three years since I first took in THE DESCENT.  Tonight marked either the 4th or 5th instance since and I hope for my own self esteem it was the former.  Yet no matter how many calendars rise and fall between cursings, I just cannot see what other people see.  Those people, be they personal pals like Beau who loved it or Internet strangers like Weinberg who swear by it, are people whose opinions on film I typically trust implicitly.  Yet, I remain on a different page, blind and unreceptive to the mojo at large.

I must admit, tonight was the closest I’ve come to enjoying the flick.  The Blu-ray transfer of THE DESCENT is crystal and the uncompressed sound mix deserves the finest seal of approval I can offer.  Its a lot harder to seethe with rage when basking in front of a home theater system so nerdily refined it’d make Helen Keller hot.  Still – and this is now me stowing exaggerations to remain objective – I did not enjoy it, rather i at last tolerated it.  Though truth be told, I do not have enough digits on my person to count how many times I either threw hands into the air or groaned, “So fucking stupid…

I’ve tried Marshall fans, I really have.  We just don’t mate.  I despise every character in the script.  I find nothing redeemable about how they are written on the page or carried out on the screen.  The dwellers do nothing for me.  The plot does nothing.  The jolts nothing.  Just..nothing.  I find the whole ordeal a waste.

Now, I’m finally putting THE DESCENT behind me and the site.  No longer shall I entertain the idea of hunting that white whale.  I’ve finally realized that it never was my whale to hunt.  It was my white whale’s corpse beached upon a shallow shoreline.  I gotsta stop staring at this bloated mutha’.

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  1. Brian
    August 15th, 2008 | 8:24 am | #1

    Oh come on, one more try! It feels good!

  2. August 15th, 2008 | 9:11 am | #2

    Ah, you’re right! I hear its pretty good…

  3. Will Goss
    August 15th, 2008 | 10:32 am | #3

    And to think, when The De2cent comes out, you can just toss a numeral into these told-ya-so sessions of yours. ;)

  4. August 15th, 2008 | 10:41 am | #4

    I read this article as: “John will probably love THE DESCENT”


  5. jayoh
    August 16th, 2008 | 8:36 am | #5
  6. August 16th, 2008 | 1:25 pm | #6

    Wow. That teaser sucked.

  7. Matt W
    August 16th, 2008 | 2:45 pm | #7

    I may be an internet stranger whose opinion on films you don’t typically trust implicitly, but I did enjoy the movie. Maybe *I* should take another view and see if I can see it from your perspective.

  8. Sean
    August 17th, 2008 | 1:56 pm | #8

    Got another movie that I’ll never see now. That trailer looks horrible.

  9. TJ
    August 20th, 2008 | 1:49 pm | #9

    i remember watching the Descent about 2 months ago, then quickly going to your site to see what read your review. now, you re-review it.

    i thought it was all right, but then again, i watch one horror movie a decade. so, who the fuck am i? i just like the scene where you first see the creature; it was pretty creepy. however, the whole friend killing the other friend accidentally, then the other friend killing the initial friend-killer was a bit out of wack. i mean, somehow, they’re managing to scrap enough courage to fearlessly face the creatures, which i do not completely understand given the fact that they’re human beings fighting creatures in a fucking cave and that they’re insides are lined with vaginas.

    real humans would have banded together and just died w/ some poor axe-wielding, not killed each other.

  10. TJ
    August 20th, 2008 | 1:51 pm | #10

    we could cuddle up though, and watch Descent (2007) w/ Rosario Dawson at the movie marathon!

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