Review written by R. J. Sayer, a very angry, vulgar, perfunctory but damn insightful fellow. I’m busy as hell and rushing off to the Renaissance Festival for the day, so I haven’t even read this raving endorsement yet, but I couldn’t wait.
I’m going to try and keep this short. I’m not going to address my long absence from reviewing for this site, except to say “sorry guys, my bad.” Really though, I guess I needed something Potent with the Great Awesome to motivate me. About a month or two or whenever ago I watched six or seven or eight movies or some shit. They ranged from mediocre to amusing to What-The-Fuck-Am-I-Watching-This-Rotten-Shit-For. I took notes. But I was so Bummed Out that I just couldn’t drag myself to actually bang out the reviews.
I was waiting for something to get me excited about horror movies again.
And, yes, I’m cheating here. I’m breaking my typical format. But given the month, and the circumstances, and the alignment of the planets, and the whatever… I think I’m fucking allowed, thank you very much. And I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. I got nothing to prove to you. But I take great pity on you.
Because seriously, kids, you have a new Favorite Goddamn Movie. And you don’t even know it. Who knows when the fuck you’ll even get to see it? Nobody. That’s who. Not even the dude who directed it. And that breaks my goddamn heart.
I was going to wait a day to write this. Let it digest. But I just got back from the opening night screening of TRICK ‘R TREAT at Screamfest. And this shit just could not be put on hold. I’m typing this on a friend’s computer. Free form. No notes. Stream of consciousness or whatever.
No nutgraphs or hooks or lead-ins or clever fucking autobiographical shit. Halloween is my favorite day of the year. Fuck my birthday. Fuck Christmas. Fuck George Washington and his stupid birthday. HALLO-GODDAMN-WEEN, kids.
I assume that most of you kids reading this here feel the same way. And if you don’t, then fuck you, stop reading this review.
That rhymed. Two points for me.
If TRICK ‘R TREAT had a penis, it was in my car on the drive back from the theatre. And me and my friend were fellating it. Ferociously and affectionately. Thick ropes of drool hanging from our lips, glistening tongues darting along the veiny, hard shaft.
Okay, R.J., collect your goddamn thoughts for a second. Stop ranting. And for fuck sake not more homosexual erotica.
It’s hard to not rant. Because I’m depressed. But at the same time, overwhelmed with joy. It’s like I just had the best sex of my life, with the girl I plan to marry and grow old with, and while I was in the kitchen, getting her a glass of water, some asshole came in and kidnapped her.
Yeah, that’s exactly it. Somebody came in and kidnapped the best lay and love of my life.
Because TRICK ‘R TREAT doesn’t have a release date. At all. Not in theatres. Not on dvd. Not on fear.net direct TV satellite digital cable bullshit or whatever-the-fuck.
I’m sure at this point you want me to talk about the movie. Fuck you and your impudence, I’m on an incline here.
I don’t want to talk about the actual film too much. Because I don’t want to spoil a goddamn thing for any of you (on the off-chance that someday you may actually get to see it) – please see my review of The Kindred for further explanation on this point.
But I will say this: If there’s a personal heaven for each person when they die (as some of those Hippie Christian Weirdos believe), then Warren Valley, Ohio (where the film takes place) is mine. And probably yours too. I mean, I wouldn’t put money or anything on it. But I’ve got a feeling, you know.
Seriously, this place is Halloweentown times a billion. And real. So fucking real it almost hurts. Halloween parades, spooky fucking town legends, a citizenry made up of the greatest kind of characters (think of your favorite TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE episodes… and then imagine those episodes written and directed by Jumpin’ Jesus Christ hisself, or whatever you believe in spiritually. Except for you, Scientologists. You can fuck right off). … and Sam.
My sweet cracked-out Lord, Sam. Sam. The Santa Claus of Halloween. Shit.
Oh, and also it plays with your expectation and cynicism like they’re dead cats in a torture-porn movie.
Oh, and also everything about the movie, technically and creatively is fucking perfect.
And that’s it. That’s all the time I’m going to give to the merits of the film itself. Because, there is honestly nothing much I can disclose that will do it justice. JUST SEE IT. THE FIRST FUCKING CHANCE YOU GET. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S IN FUCKING FEBRUARY ON GODDAMN VALENTINE’S DAY. FUCKING SEE IT.
I’m not kidding here, SEE IT.
Now, I want to talk about the Great Fucking Tragedy.
And, my friends, The Great Fucking Tragedy is that there is no release. So we must take action. Write to Warner Bros. Write to your Senator or Congressperson. Write to your Church. Write to Barack Obama.
Actually, yeah. Just write to Barack Obama.
Fuck everybody else. Bypass them. Let’s go over their heads and take this fight right to the top. If there’s anybody who can get this shit done, it’s Obama.
If you want to see this movie get the theatrical release it doesn’t only deserve, but FUCKING DEMANDS WITH THE VERY AWESOMENESS OF ITS EXISTENCE – and, don’t see for yourself, take MY word for it, you fucking do – then write to Senator (and Future President of the United States of Goddamn America) Barack Obama and beg, plead, implore, or whatever of him to DO SOMETHING. Ask him to suspend his campaign (dude’s got it in the bag anyway) and put all his effort into getting this movie a proper fucking release by 10/31/08.
That’s Change We Can Believe In, people. And that’s exactly what I’m fucking talking about here. Hope. Change. Progress. A New and Better Goddamn America.
No longer can we let the politics of division deny us of AWESOME FUCKING HALLOWEEN MOVIES. We must join together, reach across the aisle in a truly bipartisan effort and GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER RELEASED IN THEATRES ACROSS THIS BLESSED NATION BY HALLOWEEN. OF THIS VERY FUCKING YEAR. 500 MILLION SCREENS, PEOPLE.
And let me backtrack for a just a moment here, guys. I called it a “Halloween Movie” back there. Did you see that? Okay, go ahead and re-read it. No. Yeah. That last paragraph or whatever. It’s right there. The first sentence. It’s cool, I’ll wait.
Okay. Yeah. I called it that. Because that’s what it is. This isn’t just a Horror Movie. TRICK ‘R TREAT is a FUCKING HALLOWEEN MOVIE. Probably the only real one ever. Seriously.
Remember when you were 7 years old or whatever and Halloween made you feel invincible and excited and amazing and powerful and Lost in Paradise and all that shit? This movie gave me that feeling again.
TRICK ‘R TREAT <u><i>IS</u></i> HALLOWEEN.
And while we’re on the message of Hope, let me be clear: there IS, indeed, Hope. At the Q&A after the movie, (Writer and Di-motherfucking-rector) Michael Dougherty made a comment about all the merchandising that’s been released bearing the TRICK ‘R TREAT brand. And, homies, it is STAGGERING. Books, dolls, action figures, posters, etc. That gives me hope.
As does a statement made by an audience member about a certain comic-book-based film that may or may not have made WB enough money to assure their executives a solid and comfortable lifestyle in the Road Warrior-esque future that is undoubtedly just around the corner for this Doomed, Doomed planet. I mean, come on. How much money did that thing make? 217,492,053 ZILLION DOLLARS? So, it’s not like releasing this thing would break their bank.
Also, there were 453,296,541 people in the audience tonight (give or take two or three) and EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS APPLAUDED LIKE LUNATICS WHEN THE END CREDITS ROLLED. Hell, half of them clapped like crazy DURING certain scenes in the movie.
And as my man, Barack, has said, Nothing Can Stand in the Way of The Power of Millions of Voices Calling For Change.
Peace, kids. Let’s get this fucker released. For you. For your family. For America’s Future.
And with that, I raise my Pumpkin Ale to you fuckers and promise that my next review won’t be nearly as scattered. And will stick to the goddamn rules.
*NOTE TO SENATOR OBAMA: just kidding about quitting your campaign, dude. I realize that though you are ahead in the polls, some people still need convincing, especially after these unwarranted and pointless slanders against your Character. Don’t actually quit, no matter how many of these Crazy Internet Nerd Motherfuckers call you and demand it. Just keep kicking. No time for resting on laurels now. And nothing is over until the 4th. I understand that. But seriously, while you’re working your ass off to bring us through the next four years, do you think you could maybe spare a little effort for TRICK ‘R TREAT? I sure would appreciate it. And it would raise morale on Halloween, which is just before the election. And it would pretty much fucking guarantee you the coveted, yet fickle, Horror Fan Vote. Thanks, man, I appreciate it.