Guest Review: CRIMSON RIVERS and RESURRECTION

Posted by Peter Hall - August 29th 2008 @ 11:53 am

The first, and possibly the only, guest review(s) submitted to the site while I am away in Qatar.  Dueling thoughts below from reader Brian on the 1999 flick RESURRECTION and 2000′s CRIMSON RIVERS.  So, enjoy his straight-to-the point thoughts while I’m away.

PS.  So far I’ve caught SEVERANCE and FEAST on Arabic TV, maybe the Middle East does have a horror sweet tooth after all…


CRIMSON RIVERS directed by Mathieu Kassovitz, 2007
Written by Jean-Christophe Grangé

RESURRECTION directed by Russell Mulcahy, 1999
Written by Brad Mirman

Some of you probably already know this, but I thought I should begin with a disclosure:  for the purposes of this website, I am Andrew Kevin Walker.  I know, it comes as shock.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he is a big fan of the site, but to the best of my knowledge he has not commented here.

I’m clearly a big fan of AKW.  SEVEN was one of the first movies I truly loved.  When it came out in 1995 I was already a movie “fan,” but not quite a movie “lover.”  Upon exiting the theater I wanted to know everything there was about the guy who also directed ALIEN3 and the guy who also wrote that mind-bending masterpiece of epic proportions, BRAINSCAN.

I have eagerly anticipated both of those guys’ films since then.  From the bad (8MM), to the mediocre (Sleepy Hollow), to the great (Fight Club), both Fincher and AKW have shaped the last ten years of “dark thrillers” more than anyone else.  And there lies the rub – like any groundbreaking film, SEVEN was bound to “inspire” knockoffs.  In this case it just happened to give birth to god-fucking-awful rape abortion afterbirth knockoffs.  To wit:  Exhibit A, THE CRIMSON RIVERS and Exhibit B, RESURRECTION.

TCR was directed by Amelie’s love interest and stars Jean Reno and Vincent Cassel (known to American audiences as “the only French actors in the world”).  I think it is about a killer at a secluded college, which also may be a Nazi breeding ground.  There is also a CLIFFHANGER aspect.  None of it makes any sense.

It starts with close-ups of a decomposing body and goes downhill from there.  The direction is adequate but the script is one of the most muddled things ever put on screen.  I can tell you both Reno and Cassel play cops investigating a murder.  Beyond that I’m not sure of anything.  A few scenes are ripped directly from SEVEN and other better films.  The rest of them were written by a stupid person.  Let’s move on.

If TCR is the rape abortion afterbirth, RESURRECTION is the bloody runoff skimmed from the afterbirth foam.  Christopher Lambert (who yells SO MUCH IN THIS MOVIE!!!) and his HIGHLANDER director reunite for an awe-inspiringly blatant SEVEN clone.  The “hook” in RESURRECTION is that the killer is taking body parts from his victims in order to build a new Jesus.  Yeah, I thought of that in seventh grade too.

SPOILER ALERT!  The guy who looks like a serial killer and shows up midway through the movie for no reason whatsoever IS the serial killer.  I was fucking shocked.

In conclusion:  I hate both of these movies.  They are the opposite of good.


rss 4 comments
  1. Brian
    August 29th, 2008 | 3:14 pm | #1

    Wow, that is short. I had notes and everything but I was so digusted with both of them I lost all inspiration.

  2. August 29th, 2008 | 4:07 pm | #2

    But doesn’t it just wet your bloody runoff afterbirth foam appetite?

  3. August 29th, 2008 | 5:38 pm | #3

    Building a new Jesus? Jesus.

  4. Mark
    September 2nd, 2008 | 1:45 pm | #4

    I liked this one – pretty stylish and while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the random bits are fun (e.g. the kickboxing interlude), the scenery great and the overall atmosphere almost like a latter-day giallo.

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