Review: See No Evil

Posted by Peter Hall - January 4th 2007 @ 10:09 pm

Directed by Gregory Dark, 2006
Written by Dan Madigan

See No Evil is Utterly Worthless

I like to think I have a knack for exaggeration.  And yet, no matter how hard I strain my brain, I cannot summon any hyperbole to properly relate just how bad WWE Films’ See No Evil is.  Every time I rest my fingers on the home keys, they impulsively want to carve forth a ruthless stream of obscenities.  You see, this is one of those rare instances where not only do I simply not like a movie, but the act of watching it angered me on a cellular level.

It just may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

For the love of God, please do not let this become one of those scenarios where I write an unrelenting, negative review of a film and you, nameless reader, say to yourself, "There is no way this movie can actually be THAT bad?  I’ve got to see this for myself!"

You don’t.  You really, really don’t.  And if you read any portion of this review and still decide you need to, you’re a fucking asshole.  I’m used to taking hits for the team, but if I taste test anal leakage, do not go hand money over to the owner of the rectum because you want to see just how rotten the shit itself actually tastes.

I’d apologize for that barrage of anal references (and any fecal references that may follow), but then I saw that Gregory Dark directed not only the 1985 porn classic Between the Cheeks, but also Between the Cheeks 2, Between The Cheeks 3 AND White Bunbusters.

A-fucking-Amazing:

A group of nine or so delinquents are given the opportunity to knock some time off their sentences in exchange for cleaning up a bit of the community.  The community here being an abandoned hotel whose level of filth doesn’t exist anywhere on Earth.  The walls of New York City’s sewage system aren’t even this dirty.  And yet, this hotel miraculously is, and thus we are privileged to watch these characters bodies attempt to clean 68,000 square feet of vomit stains.

Of course there is only one actual police officer to guard the 9 convicted inmates.  And, of course, he only has one hand.  See, the other was chopped off in the first five minutes of the movie by a serial killing mongoloid.  And he is haunted by the events of that night every time he puts on his prosthetic. 

The group has free reign over the hotel, because this hero of a cop is too busy taking shots at the bar.  Soon enough they bump into said serial killing mongoloid and his sniper-aimed hook-on-a-chain.  And the chaos begins!

Or this is where it would begin, were this production even remotely competent.

It is never scary, completely predictable and dreadfully filmed.  The set design is expansive, and, as much as it hurts me to admit it, impressive at times.  But director extraordinaire, Gregory Dark, hasn’t the slightest clue on how to utilize the stylish disgust.  So it just sits there, stagnating to the point where it is simply annoying to see it take up 97% of the frame.

The deaths are lame, but at least the twist is…not original…but last minute enough to be refreshing.  The final death scene, however, is so absurd that to resist laughing is a universal improbability.

And, as funny ‘ole fate would have it, Mr. Dark’s textbook retarded direction isn’t nearly as offensive as Dan Madigan’s script.  The most sickening fact here is that not one of the film’s 7 producers had the human decency to euthanize this abortion from the get go.  Never before has such stupidity gravitated together in one location, uniting into a Voltron-like amalgamation of intellectual pain.


rss 9 comments
  1. Ripp
    January 4th, 2007 | 10:32 pm | #1

    I kinda want to see it now.

  2. January 4th, 2007 | 11:11 pm | #2

    Good god that is an excellent review!

    Boy am I happy I never got around to this one when I rented it a couple weekends ago!

  3. jayoh
    January 6th, 2007 | 2:50 am | #3

    its going on the netflix.

  4. January 6th, 2007 | 8:57 am | #4

    Asshole.

  5. R.J. Sayer
    January 7th, 2007 | 2:29 am | #5

    personally i thought it was hilarious.

    shitty.

    but funny.

    and if this is the worst movie you’ve ever seen, we need to get you a copy of TROLL 2 right fucking quick.

  6. January 7th, 2007 | 8:51 am | #6

    It would have been hilarious if it didn’t piss me off so much. I know it only cost $8 million to make, but fuck. That is $8 million that could have gone to such greater projects, helmed by people who actually give a fuck. I’m fine with paycheck motivations, but that’s no reason to stop caring and make such a drab, waste of money and resources.

  7. Sean
    April 17th, 2007 | 12:28 am | #7

    I remember seeing this on ogrish, and going “Hey, if a site about horrible things happening to people is touting this movie, surely it’s going to have something redeemable about it!”

    Boy was I wrong.

    If I recall correctly, there wasnt even anything to make up for it, like hooked naked women slamming around the hotel.

    …at least that’d be amusing…right?

  8. pingback

    […] can’t even come up with a hyperbolic analogy for just how dreadful a film it is – and that is what I do! – that’s how disinterested in it I already am.  My mind grapes just keep circling that […]

  9. Matt W
    October 12th, 2008 | 11:30 pm | #9

    “If you read any portion of this review and still decide you need to, you’re a fucking asshole.”

    That may be one of the best lines ever written. I may have to see this, BUT I’ll download it for free so no one makes money off of it (therefore making me only 1/2 an asshole).

    [Ok, last time I make a post on a very old review for the evening, I swear.]

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