Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Posted by Peter Hall - September 9th 2007 @ 10:24 am

Written and Directed by George Barry, 1977

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats Skeleton Hands

On his new CD Werewolves and Lollipops Patton Oswalt confesses the pain Death Bed: The Bed That Eats causes him.  Not pain from watching it, but from knowing it exists.  Knowing someone not only finished a script about a bed that eats people, but that other people thought it was a good idea.

I, however, don’t think Patton Oswalt has ever actually seen Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.  If he had, I guarantee you his entire set would be dedicated to it.  This is an almost indescribable behemoth of terrible nonsense.  I don’t know how you review this.  How does one review a tumor on the brain of a madman?  I feel like I’ve just exposed myself and 4 others to the videotape from the Ring and we’re all about to die mysteriously in a week.

The story, a word barely applicable in this context, of Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is relayed to the viewer through the rambling whimsy of a man eternally imprisoned behind a painting in the bed’s room.  I think it goes something like this; Hundreds of years ago a demon was in the form of a tree, who then took the form of a breeze, who then traveled to a woman, seducing her with gentle gusts of wind towards a summoned bed.  The demon takes the form of a man with red eyes, the woman dies somehow and the demon cries blood onto the bed, making it evil.  A nearby, newly constructed house takes in the bed, which soon takes over the rest of the house, eating anyone who lays on it.

It takes roughly an hour to explain all this, however.  The man behind the painting only goes into this depth when convenient.  In the mean time, a couple find the bed, make love on it and are eaten.  Though, I point out, not before the bed eats their apples, fried chicken and wine.

Then three women show up.  And the bed eats one of them.  Then another one of them.  Then it eats some Pepto Bismol.  And one of their brothers shows up and has only the flesh of his hands eaten off.  And no, I’m not kidding about the Pepto Bismol.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is amazing.  Truly amazing.  Like some kind of medical anomaly.  A freak show to be dug up and studied under glass by a futuristic society.  It either makes no sense or perfect sense and I’m not sure anyone alive is qualified to make the distinction.  All I know is that I’ve never been more baffled by the existence of a film in my life.  I don’t know whether to mock it or fear it.

There is an uninterrupted shot, at least two minutes long, of a woman pulling her ‘blood’ soaked legs out of the bed and making an arm-only crawl towards safety at a pace that would embarrass a sloth.  It is the least intense scene I have ever witnessed in my life, yet I’d wager my mind had never before experienced such an intense flurry of conflicting synaptic firings.

I don’t know what to say about Death Bed:  The Bed That Eats.  Thinking about it is making me high.  I feel suddenly incoherrent, like nothing I can do will ever make sense again.  My breathing, though likely normally, feels erratic.  My blood has probably stopped flowing and this review is really all a figment of my imagination.  If I don’t stop thinking about Death Bed: The Bed That Eats right this second, I’m not sure I’ll ever come back.

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  1. shawn
    September 9th, 2007 | 11:42 am | #1

    This sounds like a movie I would randomly find in the discount bin at Wal Mart hiding amongst all the Steven Segal and Chuck Norris dvd’s. I actually found a interesting movie called Trick Or Treat that had Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osborn on the cover. Had to buy it of course and what a cheese fest. God I love bad horror movies sometimes.

  2. Adrian
    September 9th, 2007 | 6:07 pm | #2

    I think I dreamt this movie back in 1999, except it was about a dresser.

  3. Cody
    September 9th, 2007 | 8:58 pm | #3

    Lets us not forget that after drinking the wine, eating the apples and chicken, it then places the remains of said picknikery back on top of the bed. I think you need a new rating “Epic”.

  4. September 10th, 2007 | 8:49 am | #4

    I just saw that Oswalt DVD. That bit was hilarious. Didn’t make we want to head out and rent the movie, but pretty freakin’ funny.

  5. September 10th, 2007 | 8:55 am | #5

    The Death Bed skit streams at the top of this review, for those who haven’t heard it.

  6. September 10th, 2007 | 11:03 am | #6

    I have a “movie night” with some friends where I Netflix an MST3K and we all watch it. Sometimes, I just grab a really ridiculous/bad movie, however (like Caveman). This sounds like it could be a nice change of pace. Gracias.

  7. shannon L
    October 8th, 2009 | 6:50 pm | #7

    I own a copy of the film-I think many people should at least watch it once.
    For some reason I always think of the man in the painting as Aubrey Beardsley-I am not sure why.
    He mainly just frets,whines and moans about everything.
    I love how the bed reacts to the Pepto.

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