Directed by Jeff Lieberman, 2004
Bad. Bad. Bad.
The only reason I had even a barely passing interest in this movie was because I thought it was about something it wasn’t. I thought it was about a kid who, when trick or treating by himself, befriends a guy in a Satan costume with whom he spends the rest of the night with, not knowing he is, in fact, the real Prince of Darkness.
In actuality, it’s about this kid (who completely redefines the word annoying) that dresses up as “Satan’s Little Helper”, the character from a game of the same title, and who seeks out “Satan” on Halloween so that he can be his helper in real life. He comes across a guy in the worst Satan costume EVER (see above) who is really a serial killer. He then spends the rest of the night with said killer, who the kids dumbass family blindly thinks is their daughter’s clueless date, as he goes about killing people all over town.
That pitch isn’t completely worthless on its own – I like the idea of a serial killer dressing up on Halloween and setting up his victim’s bodies on their porches like decorations – but there isn’t a single thing that this movie does right. Not a one.
First off, the entirity of the movie is EXACTLY like the first two minutes of The Last Horror Movie. I love The Last Horror Movie, but the first two minutes are intentionally the poster child for everything that is wrong with American horror movies. And yet here it all is…
The cinematography is complete crud, which looks like it belongs in an episode of “That’s So Raven!” (and I’d gladly watch a marathon of that show over this crap any day of the week). The acting is so predictably bland that it tears at the pleasure sensors in the brain – especially that fucking kid. I know good child actors are hard to find, but comeon! There wasn’t someone who was better than that? From the second he appears on screen you want the DVD to burst into flames inside the player.
The script is horrendeous. The characters are irrational and exist only to serve the very dull “plot” of the stupid, stupid script. The dialogue for that damn kid is some of the most pointless dialogue I’ve ever heard. No 8 year old is really that naive and stupid. No 8 year old is going to dedicate their life to trying to find Satan and no 8 year old’s parents would ever heartily endorse that, as is the case here. You can have a stereotypical kid who is naive to a lot of life, that’s fine, but to even make the kid in this movie tolerable they’d of had to of written him being born with a birth defect. Nothing else could explain anything he says or does in this movie.
And the killings? Go watch the programming of the Disney Channel Halloween Week and every single show or original movie you see will be more suspenseful and have better makeup effects than Satan’s Little Helper.
I have to stop writing about this movie, I’m literally getting a headache thinking about it. Jeff Lieberman is everything that I hate about the people who do indepdent horror these days.
Make everything dumb enough, long enough and it becomes the norm. Fuck that. It wouldn’t be a problem if this movie, which is probably one of the softest “horror” movies I’ve ever seen, didn’t believe that it was an honest-to-god horror flick.
This isn’t a horror movie. This is the place my hopes and aspirations go to die.