Review: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Posted by Peter Hall - July 13th 2006 @ 1:48 pm

Directed by Alexander Witt, 2004

I didn’t want to watch Resident Evil: Apocalypse.  I really didn’t.  But I needed something to review, was too lazy to get out of my bed, and it was the only ‘horror’ movie on HBO On-Demand.  So the remote won and my soul lost.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse is one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen.  It is worthless on a level most horrible movies will never even see.  I understand why this movie exists, money needs to be made and a sequel was an easy bet, but there is no reason why it needed to be this shitty. 

I write.  I realize it’s not easy to write a truly amazing screenplay, especially if you have producers breathing down your neck giving you notes all the time, but what the fuck is wrong with you, Paul W. S. Anderson?  You were a producer and the only screen writer!  Alexander Witt may get a lot of jobs as a second unit director, and he may be capable with the small stuff, but even his horrible direction here isn’t to blame for how pathetic this movie is.  As far as I’m concerned, the burden is entirely on Anderson’s shoulders.  I wish the world were full of wizards and witches, that way a curse could be cast on Paul W. S. Anderson, causing him to burst into flames any time he thought about making a movie again.

Logic is dead.  Common sense is dead.  Motivation is dead.  Characters are dead.  Story is dead.  Acting is dead.  Direction is dead.  Happiness is dead.  Originality is dead.  94 minutes of my life are dead.  Everything about this movie is lifeless.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse
is so bad it actually made me feel bad for the actors.  I’ve dealt with actors and acting.  I understand when they have questions and reservations about roles etc, and I understand the pressure they feel when asked to do something out of character or just plain moronic, but they’ve taken the job, so they’ll swallow their pride and act like an idiot if they have to.  God bless ‘em for that, especially the cast of this offensive excuse for a horror/action/sci-fi/popcorn flick:

"You want me to do my best Western European accent for no reason, even though I’m really, really bad at it and we all know it?"

"You want me to fly through a stained glass window on a motorcycle while shooting guns?"

"You want me to wear headphones and listen to bad, already dated light "metal" music while I’m surrounded by a city of zombies?"

"You want me to wear a miniskirt the entire time and act like the most badass, heartless woman on earth, but then completely lose it when a casual friend of mine dies and I knew he was going to die the entire time?"

"You want me to wear the bulkiest, goofiest looking monster suit ever invented and try to do kung fu in it?"

"You want me to run down the side of a building for no reason, even though the stunt work looks really lame, just to kick someone in the face, when I’m carrying guns the entire movie and just could have shot them?"

And the list of moronic things these actors had to pull off goes on and on.  The scene where Jill walks into the precinct is actually more absurd than the intentionally absurd precinct scenes in Last Action Hero.  The subtitles which appear throughout the movie are cheesier than the cues in a VH1 Pop-Up video.  And the big baddie in the movie, the Nemesis, is about as scary as Bane from Batman and Robin:

Combine the vastly uninteresting plot with piss poor direction and even worse editing and the end result is barely endurable to the eyes and painful to the ears (at least Resident Evil had some half-decent sound tracks).

Why was I too lazy to get out of my bed when I woke up this morning?

Oh, and since when can you kill a zombie by breaking its neck?  The math of a zombie death is as remedial as you can get.  Brain + Object = Death.  That’s all you need to know.  You’re an idiot, Paul W. S. Anderson.


rss 9 comments
  1. July 13th, 2006 | 5:39 pm | #1

    Everytime he is allowed to make a movie I have less and less respect for Hollywood. His continued employment can only be described as complete contempt and hatred for American audiences.

    I can’t think of many people I believe are deserving of horrible tragedies in their life. Paul WTF Anderson is one of them.

    Of course I’m half-kidding about that last part. Half.

  2. Erin
    July 14th, 2006 | 1:34 pm | #2

    This review and the first comment left cracked me up. I kinda want to watch the movie just to see how bad it really is.

  3. Christine
    July 17th, 2006 | 3:25 pm | #3

    “Brain + Object = Death”

    …and you say you are bad at math…thats all the math you need to know :)

  4. james
    September 11th, 2009 | 2:03 am | #4

    wow lol i actually liked this movie… the one before it and the one after it… but i like a lot of crappy zombie movies… if you want originality… or common sence for that matter don’t watch a zombie movie! that’s what they are for. about two hours of mindless funny entertainment… gah… just leave the zombie genre alone we know they suck quit telling us

  5. Jessica
    September 26th, 2009 | 10:07 pm | #5

    ROFLMAO! This review is hilarious! And the author is genius!
    Although personally I love Resident Evil movies. But I don’t think it was meant to be logical or realistic. It was hot! : ))
    Really!

    Still, I agree the characters are pretty dim. Okay, not pretty dim; AWFULLY STUPID. TERRIFYINGLY CLUELESS. INSANELY …INSANE.

    Well I guess they’re not exactly the ‘brightest’ crayons in the box, but hey, they look good and I think that’s all that matters for a movie.

    Loved it anyway. <3

  6. FUCK YOU
    July 25th, 2010 | 12:41 pm | #6

    I LOVED ALL OF THE RESIDENT EVIL MOVIES THERE NOT THAT BAD AT ALL MAYBE YOU JUST DONT LIKE GOOD MOVIES but whatever so yeah go fuck yourself this movie is a five out of five BAM

  7. YOU DONT KNOW SHIT
    November 18th, 2011 | 2:44 pm | #7

    This movie is excellent. This fucking retard reviewer wants SENSE in a ZOMBIE movie…go fuck yourself. They are not meant to appeal to your senses!!! I liked the characters, especially NEMESIS..he isn’t scary but definitely deserves “respect” as quoted from LJ in the movie. Overall, movie is good as is true with all films in the resident evil series. CIAO.

  8. David Nemesis
    April 4th, 2012 | 9:33 am | #8

    This retard review is really sad…

    Alexander, I tell you something about the truth now..

    You don’t know anything about this movie, the characters and the tale, you know nothing about that, but you critisized it to under “0” – that’s illogical like your little brain.

    The tale, atmosphere and the characteres – especially Nemesis in the “Apocalypse” – are incredible awesome!

    I also don’t want to reading this review, only the last two correct commentars, so that I am don’t wasting my time here for nothing.

    If you don’t like anything about Resident Evil, then be quiet, you really blamed yourself – get a life.

  9. David Nemesis
    April 4th, 2012 | 10:21 am | #9

    Sry, not Alexander, hoho man, what a mistake!
    Not the director of “Apocalypse”, he’s cool – I saw wrong.

    I meant You, Peter – get a life, bye!

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