Directed by John Carpenter, 2006
Written by Drew McWeeny, Scott Swan

John Carpenter’s work on the ‘Masters of Horror" series has, from the producer and cast point of view, been applauded for his efficiency on set.  Call time is at a reasonable hour, shots are simple set ups, no late days.  After seeing his latest episode, I now understand why.

John Carpenter has gotten lazy.  And it shows.  Boy does it show.

I was really looking forward to Pro-Life.  John Carpenter, one of the true, cannonical giants of horror cinema was at the helm.  It was written by Ain’t It Cool Newsers Scott Swan and Drew McWeeny.  And Drew himself once responded directly to a comment of mine (oddly enough about this very project) on his now defunct DVD blog, and that pretty much makes us legal BFFs.

It’s about abortion, so it was bound to be a barrel of laughs.  And it had demons, so it was bound to have Prince of Darkness or Mouth of Madness inspiration.  And it had freaking Ron Perlman, so it was bound to have gruff coolness.

If only John Carpenter was bound to give a fuck.

First, he hands the music off to his son, Cody.  Second, he swaps out practical gore for CGI unnecessarily more than once.  Third, the camera work would fit perfectly on the Lifetime channel – none of that signature Carpenter epic-widescreen.  Fourth, the script should never have been approved as it was.

The music actually isn’t bad – and it was his son, so that’s cool – but comeon’ John, you’ve composed multiple, 4+ hour long Oscar ceremonies!  You can’t compose 50 minutes for your fans?    However the CGI is.  It wouldn’t be as insulting if it weren’t for the fact that we clearly see a man’s head being partially blown off only to see that same person’s body minutes later without the head wound.

The camera work, however, has no excuse.  Yes, an abortion clinic is a confined space, but that doesn’t mean it has to be so visually boring.  And most importantly, that script!  Characters repeatedly act wildly against their motivations simply to allow more screen time for further events to take place else where.  Religious nut Perlman and his boys are ready to storm an abortion clinic to get their demon impregnated kin back home.  So ready, they shoot the guard in the head and then shoot the lock off the gate.  Wielding multiple shotguns and pistols, the foursome reach the main, wooden door and decide to, "look for another way in."

Because suddenly shooting locks open is of no concern.

This continues on and off for a bit until the ep’s end.  I really dug the end, but that doesn’t change the fact that the rest of it was decent at best and just plain sloppy the rest of the time.

This is far from a return to form for John Carpenter.  Talking so poorly of his work hurts me.  It feels like I’m a little kid kicking Superman in the balls while he’s downed by that silly green rock.  I hate to not love an idol, but Pro-Life’s steadfast mediocrity just proves that if it weren’t for the mountains of gold the director had accumulated throughout his career, he’d be metaphorically plummeting in the red right now.  If it were any other director, this may pass.