Directed by Michael Hurst, 2005
I’d just like to point out that I was right in my guess as to House of the Dead 2′s fate, since I just saw a commercial for it on Sci-Fi. Not much of a surprise…
I didn’t know anything about the production of this obvious disaster going into it, other than it wasn’t a Uwe Boll masterpiece, so I have no clue what kind of release is intended for this movie, but I will bet all the money in my bank account that it ends up as a Sci-Fi Saturday night premiere within a month and I will thus refer to it as such for the rest of this entry.
The standards of a Sci-Fi channel original motion picture are so low that I’m fairly confident I could write a script while in a coma and still get it greenlit. Dialogue exists in this movie simply because the producers knew movies well enough to know they were supposed to have dialogue in them. That is as far as their obligation to quality control goes.
I don’t expect much from a script titled House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim, but the mistakes here are so gargantuan that I’m stunned as to how a producer read this script and didn’t allow common sense to take over. I don’t care if the plot is retarded. I understand you want an excuse for people to fight zombies. But I refuse to believe that someone, somewhere involved with this production watched dailies and thought that Sid Haig was delivering a solid gold monologue as the mad scientist who creates the zombie strain which breaks out and completely takes over a fake college’s student population.
I’m sorry if this ‘review’ doesn’t flow structurally, but I just have to get something out of the way. One of the two main characters (special agents of some made up government agency called AMS, which is never explained) is named Nightengale and is refered to as such throughout the ENTIRE movie (which is an annoying earful to hear over and over and over) until the other special agent finally asks her why she got the name. She proceeds to painfully recount the events of one night in an African village in which all of the villagers turned into zombies and she had to mow them down with a machine gun. The story ends at that exact point and she says something to the extent of, “And thats why they call me Nightengale.”
What? That isn’t an explanation. I stood out of my seat for at least two minutes slapping my brain and questioning the TV repeatedly. Did a Sci-Fi channel original movie out-wit me? That story makes absolutely no sense. Who the hell read over that part in the script and didn’t punch the screenwriter in the head? That’s retarded, even for a Sci-Fi channel flick.
That single event is all you need to know about this movie. That 3 minute segment of the film should give you enough insight to understand the talent on display here. The two actors playing the main agents aren’t offensively bad, but everyone else in the movie is. Plus the predictably gruff, black Sarge who leads the army team is played by a man whose screenname is Sticky Fingaz. Sticky Fingaz. What producer read that and didn’t punch the casting director in the head?
I haven’t seen the original House of the Dead. I never had any desire to see the original, so I can openly admit the only motivation for watching this movie was simply so that I could write this post. I’ll probably end up watching a lot of crap with this logic, but oh well.
Hell, it was still better than Hostel.