Directed by Conor McMahon, 2004

There is a limit to how much handheld, homebrew horror I can take. I didn’t think I could quantify that limit, but after enduring this trash I can firmly tell you that even 30 minutes pushes it.

Because the opening shot is of a man being attacked and eaten by a cow, I thought this would be 87 minutes of people fighting cows with shovels. That would have been awesome. This was not.

Some variation of mad cow disease causes cattle to attack farmers, who are then turned into zombies. Fine. I wanted to see someone punch a cow in the head, but whatever.

Low budget is no excuse for camera work that gives Blair Witch a run for its money. I know the countryside of Ireland is no Silicone Valley, but Christ, they have to have at least one tripod? The thing consists of only ugly pans, zooms and chases shot from the hand of someone with cerebral palsy. There were 5 static shots in the entire thing. You’re not artfully emulating a frantic feeling, you’re giving me a brain tumor.

It was acceptable when Peter Jackson did it 20 years ago, but this the 21st century and your low-budget horror movie shouldn’t look identical to Bad Taste if it doesn’t have one fraction of the originality or humor.

Shoulda stuck with the cows, because not a single person in this movie is interesting. The only worthwhile line of dialogue in the whole thing was when an old man told a little girl she could fuck off.

Why do I watch this stuff?